Scarlet Letters

It's been a while since we did one of these.... ME: Is my social media leader text too long? EDITOR: Yes, and too complicated. It has to be shorter and simpler. ME: Are you saying that people on Facebook cannot comprehend a compound sentence? EDITOR: Yes. Duh. ---- JIM: Hey, free books on the table. ME: Boooooks. JIM: "Writing Great Short Stories." "Steps to Writing Well." "Characters and Viewpoint." ME: Want. JIM: "Eats Shoots and Leaves." "How to Read Novels Like a Professor." You want all of them? They are free for the taking. ME: Yes. Any we don't add to the house collection can go to the Relay sale in the fall. JIM: "Rhetorical Analysis." ME: ... ugh. JIM: I got all the ones about writing. I'll put them in my book bag. ME: *bounce* JIM: There are two left but I don't think you want those. ME: What are they? JIM: "Business School Essays" and "A Practical Guide to Family T...

ME: Why does my phone have 400 pics of you wearing a gray shirt and a quizzical expression? BOY: Huh? ME: ME: I've got at least 40 variations of this on my phone. BOY: Oh yeah! I decided to prank you when you left your phone out lol. ME: Snothead! Next time smile! ----- Olympic snark. (What. This Snippets has been building a while.) I was, of course, working. ME: Olympic opening ceremonies in half an hour on NBC. Try Sling for streaming. BOY: Thank you for the pizza. 😋 ME: Happy National Pizza Day. :) BOY: ...It's not on Sling. ME: Nooooo. What about the NBC app? BOY: I'm able to stream it off NBC's website but idk know long they're gonna let me watch. ME: It's starting! Shiny fireworks. BOY: NBC KICKED ME OFF ME: Noooo! BOY: It won't let you watch the actual ceremony unless you pay. ME: Try clearing your cache. BOY: What? ME: Ask Jim to show you. BOY: Not working. YouTube is not doing it. It's not on YouTube, Sling, Hulu or N...

JIM: A man was walking to St. Ives and met a man with seven wives - ME: The guy. Just the guy. JIM: *crestfallen* I know it from Sesame Street. ME: I know it from  Die Hard 3. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our relationship in a nutshell. ------ JIM: How do you spell padawan? ME: G-O-O-G-L-E. JIM: E-L-I-Z-A-B-E-T-H. ME: Why in heaven's name are you asking me? Go ask George Lucas. ----- Boy passingly refers to himself as a former employee of the Walt Disney Company, clearly referring to his high school orchestra trip to Disney World where they spent a day studying and recording with Hans Zimmer. ME: You were not an employee. You attended a workshop. BOY: Hey, they said they would be using our recording in a movie trailer, and that meant that we were musicians with the Walt Disney Company. ME: You didn't get paid. In fact, you paid! A lot! BOY: It doesn't matter! We were employee artists! ME: I think there are words for work without pay... BOY: Yeah...

PHOTOG: I have the Spice Girls running through my head. Help. ME: You can always play "It's a Small World." That'll erase it. PHOTOG: Noooo. Never mind. Change of topic. ME: I got stuck in that ride for 47 minutes. In the refrain. It caused psychological damage. PHOTOG: I bet. ME: I could sing it for - PHOTOG: No! ---- ME: Would you pull some pork chops out of the freezer before you go to work? MAN: Ohhh. ME: ? Why does this merit an oh? MAN: Oh ME: What's with the ohs? MAN: I'm in an oh mood. Oh oh oh. ME: Make sense. MAN: never. don't wanna. oh. ME: *confused emoji* MAN: *detective emoji* ME: Goofball. ---- ME: Great. That bank robbery is two blocks from my house. I should tell Jim to lock the doors. EDITOR: Tell him to pop out there and take a picture. ME: He's home with the stomach flu. He could vomit on the robbers. EDITOR: He can bring a bucket. REPORTER: That is the most editor-like response ever. --- ME: Good new...

MAN: Ooh, the tree light timer. I need to set it - what time is it? BOY: Hold on. MAN: You got your phone? BOY: Yes, just a second.... *fiddles with phone* MAN: *waits* BOY: It's... hmm. ME: Boys. There is a clock on the wall. BOY: But... we've got our phones. ME: Taking orders for cookies. BOY: What are our options? ME: Chocolate chip, death by chocolate cookies, gingersnaps, sugar cookies or snickerdoodles. I don't think I have the stuff for turtle cookies. MAN: Chocolate chip or death by chocolate. BOY: Sugar cookies or gingersnaps. ME: ... ME: I don't suppose I can get you two to agree on a cookie, can I? Jim is cramming for a final on ancient Greek philosophy. Because hurriedly zooming through material the morning of the exam is the best way to insure retention, as we all know. ME: *nibbles on neck* MAN: Hey! Stop that, now! Aristotle! ME: Ooooh, I love it when you say Aristotle. It makes me sooo hot. Say it again! MAN: Aristotle. ME: Oooh!...

MAN: *excitedly hands me box of new electronic toy* ME: Yes dear. I will be setting it up shortly. MAN: *crestfallen* Shortly? Not now? ME: I am reading the directions. MAN: *puzzled look* ME: Yes, reading the directions. That's what we grownups do with complicated new devices. We read through the directions before we open the box. MAN: Pish tosh. ME: Go sit till I need you to help me with the cords. MAN: It may not take the same cables as the old one - ME: That's why I'm reading the directions. Shush. ------ Watching Alien 3 ... (quasi-spoilerrific) First two minutes. BOY: What the [bleep]! They killed them? (We're all with you, kiddo.) Halfway through. BOY: Wait, how you gonna get out of this one, Ripley? Ending. BOY: What! There's another movie to get through! ---- ME: Do you need a ride home tonight? BOY: Nah, I got a ride. We're going to stay for a while and help the girls' volleyball team. ME: *sporfle* How exactly are you...

As the hour slips on past midnight.... ME: *yawn* I have to get up stupid early. Tell me to go to bed. MAN: Go to bed. ME: Don't tell me what to do. MAN: See, I knew that's what was going to happen. ME: WHY is there a phone charger in the bathroom? BOY: Uh... ME: With a cord IN the sink, because that's a great idea! BOY: Let me try a toaster next! ME: Smartass. MAN: Ow! ME: (without looking up) Stop using the hand. MAN: I forgot! ME: Learn! BOY: What did the doctor say? ME: He said I should rest more. BOY: Well, then you should rest more. ME: Oh really? Which of my jobs should I quit? BOY: All of them! ME: Sure, no problem! Then you will support me? BOY: ... ME: Ian, please put the DVD away. BOY: Yes mom. ME: And see if you can't put it away where it belongs? In alphabetical order? BOY: I do! ME: That's funny, because I spent twenty minutes having to reorder the DVDs because somebody in this house managed to graduate high school without ...

For some reason, the Illness Edition(s) didn't run when I was sick. I was already on an antibiotic for another ailment when the Mysterious Fever of March struck. It went as high as 103, and stuck around for six days. Flu test was negative, other symptoms were all fever-related, including lower white cell count. Then it went away, shortly after I stopped taking the medicine. All that remained was pain in my hand and finger joints and a weird, painful swelling at the back of my head, which later turned out to be an infected lymph node. Two days later, my lips suddenly swelled up like Mick Jagger and my arms and legs itched so terribly I had to smear myself with lidocaine gel just to be able to sleep. A few days of antihistimines made it go away. Methinks I'm allergic to something. WebMD said I had dengue fever or meningitis. Never put your symptoms into WebMD. You're either dying of an obscure tropical virus or having a panic attack. A few weeks later, and suddenly I ha...

MAN: My boss is allowing me to take two hours' vacation time so I can go to this extra credit thing on Thursday. ME: You mean the Google Tools training workshop ? MAN: Yeah. It's 10 points extra credit for my newswriting class. ME: Don't you have like an A in that class? MAN: B. And it's a tough class, I can tell I'll need all the extra credit I can get. ME: Okay. Dork. Have you reserved your spot? MAN: I'll tell [professor] tomorrow. ME: That isn't how you reserve your spot. MAN: How do I reserve my spot? ME: You have to RSVP with the president of the St. Louis Society of Professional Journalists . MAN: Okay, then I need... hey, that's YOU! ME: *giggles* MAN: I plan to attend the workshop, Madam President. ME: You're supposed to RSVP by emailing StLouisSPJ@gmail.com , I don't know that I can just waive the rules for you... MAN: *raspberry* MAN: I need to decide what elective I take next semester. ME: You know what I think. ...

My mother has a kaffir lime tree. On occasion, she sends me its dried leaves for recipes. A new batch recently arrived and we were putting away groceries along with stuff that had piled up in the living room. ME: Here, put away my kaffir leaves. MAN: You mean your pot? ME: It is not pot. MAN: It's your pot. ME: My mother would not send me pot. MAN: ... ME: My mother would probably not send me pot. MAN: She does live in California. He never makes these jokes about the vanilla bean paste or Mennonite brown sugar. ---- MAN: I'm about to do laundry. Do you have any other clothes lying around somewhere? ME: Why would I do that? Do you believe I am the sort to simply leave my clothes strewn everywhere like some kind of strumpet?* MAN: ... MAN: ... ME: *narrows gaze* Answer correctly. MAN: ... MAN: ...you mean like, um, some kind of trombone, or... ME: Do NOT try to save yourself with a lame joke, especially when you haven't come up with one by the time you s...

For the purposes of this snippet, you need to know that I have been making fresh bread with olive oil. Yum. For the most recent loaf, I ran out of my usual butter-infused extra virgin and used instead a blend infused with Tuscan herbs. It added an Italian flavor to the loaf. Boy has opined that it would be best served with an oil dipping sauce rather than butter. Thus, these texts. BOY: Get some olive oil for the bread. ME: You like the Tuscan? BOY: With some olive oil. BOY: And you want to make another loaf. ME: I guess you like it. Is there any left? BOY: Very little. ME: So... crumbs then. BOY: Nope, a couple slices, but get some olive oil. ME: Olive to serve. BOY: Get some milk too. ME: A terrific pun like that and I get nothing? BOY: Yep. ME: If the boy thinks he's getting the jumbo bag of Oreo-flavored popcorn from Chef Shoppe for his birthday, he is high. MAN: Do I want to know? ME: That little bag you're holding is $11.99. MAN: How much is the jumbo? ...

Background: I have a tendency to overuse the word "suddenly." I seriously am going to have to do a find/replace on the next book to kill that word throughout the manuscript once I'm done with the rewrite. ME: Suddenly! Again! WRITER1: Have you considered the use of a thesaurus? ME: Grrrr. WRITER2: I have a Lionel Richie song running through my head now  thank you! ME: That's what you get. My pain is your pain. WRITER2: And you wonder why I brought wine. ----- Texting... ME: Merry Christmas kiddo! BOY: Merry Christmas mom ME: We opened all your presents and are playing with your toys. BOY: LOL I no longer have him fooled, dangit. ME: What do you call an elf who sings? ME: A wrapper! ME: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? ME: A rebel without a Claus! ME: ... ME: Nothing? Wow, tough room. BOY: Yeah. ME: I got lots more. BOY: ... BOY: *sends third attempt at texting game* ME: I give up. This thing does not work. BOY: M...

Overheard in the newsroom, among the talented, smart, young  people who have recently joined us... COPY EDITOR 1:   I found a gray hair once. COPY EDITOR 2: No way. ME: I don't want to hear it from either of you! BOTH: *laughter) COPY EDITOR 1: Seriously! I found this gray hair while I was working at (other newspaper) and I thought, "What have you done to me?" ME: Welcome to journalism. BOTH: *laughter* COPY EDITOR 1: I knew she would say something. ME: Please. I have socks  older than the both of you. As evidenced by the gentle streaks of silver growing at my temples... The sock line is absolutely true. I have two pair of black socks remaining from the set I bought when I was hired at McDonald's in 1992. They aren't in the best of shape, but they have survived. Our wonderful young copy editors were born in 1993 and 1994 respectively, as I discovered when I was showing them the darkroom, that museum relic from an earlier age of less convenience and s...

MAN: Some of our friends need to be more careful. These highly attractive women wanting to be my friend have mutual friends with me. ME: The highly attractive woman looking for a good man? MAN: Yes. I get these friend requests from these gorgeous supermodels who are all about friending me and I'm all, "Delete." ME: Now now, hon. Who's to say an attractive woman would not be falling all over herself for you? MAN: *eyebrow of skepticism* Not these women, hon. ME: So you're saying there's no way an attractive woman would be attracted to you? MAN: That's right. ME: So you're saying I'm not attractive? MAN: ... MAN: ... ME: *wide grin* MAN: Woman! ME: *guffaw* Oh honey. It's right in front of you, a giant pit, and you go and just jump on in. ----- BOY: What's for dinner? ME: Food. BOY: There are mashed potatoes on the counter, but no other food. ME: Yes there is. There's a roast in the oven. BOY: *makes face* Roast? ME: ...

Hey look, I still have a blog! The Fall Deathmarch Tour ate me. I was going to blog about New Orleans, and Memphis, and Louisville, and Dupo, and all the other places I've traveled for the last six weeks. (One of those things is closer than the others.) About searching for non-spicy non-seafood on Bourbon Street, trying to find our way out of Louisville in the middle of a marathon, my first photography award, and getting censored by Facebook. Somehow none of that got written down... In the meantime, have these. JIM: Trying to read Emerson. I want to die. ME: Why? JIM: Boooooooorrrrriiiinnnnngggg! ME: You mean complex. Multifaceted. Challenging. JIM: Boooooooorrrrriiiinnnnngggg! ME: Stimulating. Formidable. Demanding. JIM: Boooooooorrrrriiiinnnnngggg! Long overstuffed windbaggery! ME: I'm not sure windbaggery is a word. JIM: It is now. ME: I'm pretty sure you're not just allowed to make up your own words, English major. JIM: Yes I can. CHARACTER 1: Yo...

ME: Oh no. Not possible. JIM: What? ME: When I started working at the newspaper, I was in the bureau office, and we had these two secretaries who answered the phone and took down messages on actual paper because well shut up, okay? JIM: Okay. ME: And one of those secretaries, a very nice lady named Connie, was pregnant. And she had a baby. JIM: Okay. ME: The baby just got her driver's license. JIM: *chortles* ME: Shut up! You may be used to being old, but I'm struggling with it! JIM: I'm ooooold. ME: Yes, I know, but I thought I was young until five minutes ago! ******* BOY: What are you doing? ME: Baking cookies. Chocolate chip. BOY: What for? ME: Scouts. BOY: Um. ME: What? We're all supposed to bring something. BOY: Everybody always just brings storebought stuff. ME: Ha. When have you ever known me to bring storebought anything when I can bake? (Note: First attempt at cookies using the new stand mixer was a success.) ******* ME: Honey! JCP...

This conversation began downstairs and meandered up to my office, which I affectionately call The Tower. The stairs are... kinda steep. ME: This is the problem with my post-lunch coffee. JIM: Where is your coffee cup? ME: That's the problem. It's up in the office. So do I go all the way upstairs, get the cup, come back down, get coffee, then go back up again? That's a lot of work and I'm lazy. JIM: I see. ME: Or, I could just get a second cup and bring it up with me. JIM: Or I can go up with you, get your cup and bring you coffee. ME: You could, but you are not my personal servant. JIM: Self-interest. Anything to keep you from collecting more and more cups up there. ME: I do not! JIM: You do too! You collect cups on your desk until they evolve and form civilizations. ME: *giggling* That's not true! JIM: It is! You've had some achieve spaceflight. ME: I always destroy them before they reach the Pleistocene era. JIM: Hon, I saw one launch a tiny lit...

ME: *sad sad face* JIM: What? ME: I thought you made coffee. JIM: I was going to. I meant to. I got distracted. ME: There is no coffee. I put the Splenda in the cup and everything. JIM: I'll make coffee. ME: As is your Biblical duty. JIM: No. Don't. ME: In the Book of Hebrews. JIM: Now I won't make coffee. ME: Aaaaah! You have to! JIM: I refuse in the light of awful humor. ME: God compels you! (He made coffee.) ----- BOY: *fiddles with iPad* So last week, [BTG]'s phone died. Like, forever died. ME: That sucks. BOY: Yeah. So she was trying to find a texting app to put on her Kindle so we could text. But she couldn't find one, because it's a really old Kindle. So we're having to talk by email. ME: Wow. Just like the olden days. BOY: Yeah. Like that old movie, You've Got Mail.  Where they talk by email. ME: That old movie. BOY: Yeah. ME: You know what we did when I was in high school? BOY: Smoke signals? ME: [response redacted for...

Man, it's been quiet around here. I might have fallen into a habit of talking to myself. Since Jim works the night shift (seemingly FOREVER) and Boy has been off paddling with the Scouts for two weeks, each night it's been me by my lonesome. On the one hand, I'm booking words with the new novel. On the other... well, talking to myself. Boy actually returned to civilization on last Wednesday, at least within texting range. Last Thursday was his last day of travel back to steamy Illinois. BOY: I'm gonna be in town around 1pm ME: We'll buy milk *moo* BOY: Can (BTG) be there when you pick me up? I have a present for her as well. ME: Yes. Ooh ooh do I get a present do I? BOY: Today is a gift. That is why it is called "the present." ME: Smartass. ------ For the purposes of this one, you need to know that Ted Mitchell is our insurance agent. We passed his office while driving in the car. Boy: Ted Mitchell. You so confused me about hi...

MAN: (from downstairs) Yes! Yes! Yes! ME: ... MAN: *ascends stairs* ME: What. MAN: Finally! *places his laptop in front of me* ME: *reads* They finally fixed your pension information ? MAN: We're finally married again! ME: Dang. *starts to remove rings* MAN: Stop that! You have to wear them now! ME: That's what you're so excited about? What you shouted about and came up here to interrupt me? Your pension beneficiary information? MAN: It only took four tries.* ME: Shoo. I'm working. MAN: We're married! ME: *snaps fingers* MAN: *descends stairs* Mean... ------ ME: It's time to play "Good News, Bad News!" BOY: Oh no what. ME: The good news is, the evil phone insurance from Verizon does  cover cracked screens. BOY: Thank God! ME: The bad news is that the deductible applies. BOY: What's a deductible? ME: It's the fee you pay to be able to use your insurance. Most plans have them, like cars or medical, etc. BOY: What's th...