Snippets: Holiday stress edition

MAN: Ooh, the tree light timer. I need to set it - what time is it?
BOY: Hold on.
MAN: You got your phone?
BOY: Yes, just a second.... *fiddles with phone*
MAN: *waits*
BOY: It's... hmm.
ME: Boys. There is a clock on the wall.
BOY: But... we've got our phones.


ME: Taking orders for cookies.
BOY: What are our options?
ME: Chocolate chip, death by chocolate cookies, gingersnaps, sugar cookies or snickerdoodles. I don't think I have the stuff for turtle cookies.
MAN: Chocolate chip or death by chocolate.
BOY: Sugar cookies or gingersnaps.
ME: ...
ME: I don't suppose I can get you two to agree on a cookie, can I?


Jim is cramming for a final on ancient Greek philosophy. Because hurriedly zooming through material the morning of the exam is the best way to insure retention, as we all know.

ME: *nibbles on neck*
MAN: Hey! Stop that, now! Aristotle!
ME: Ooooh, I love it when you say Aristotle. It makes me sooo hot. Say it again!
MAN: Aristotle.
ME: Oooh! Now say.... Plato!
MAN: Actually, I really enjoyed Plato.
ME: I prefer Silly Putty.
MAN: ... woman.


ME: Ian and I were just talking about how some celebrities turn into shitheels, and they may be brilliant artists but they're not loved. And then there's Chris Evans.
MAN: Yeah, I saw he invited the bullied kid to the Avengers premiere.
ME: Yes. He is Captain America. Ian and I saw that, and the mass Wikipedia search to determine that he's still single.
BOY: How??
ME: I have no idea.
MAN: Maybe he's gay.
ME: If so he's a closet case, he's dated several women. But I guess he's just waiting for that one special lady...
BOY: I think there are probably a lot of of volunteers.
ME: No, I don't think he has any problem getting dates.
BOY: He is in good shape.
ME: But it's not about being handsome, because there are lots of handsome celebrities. He's also apparently a genuinely good and decent person, and a man who is kind and thoughtful and tries to make the world a better place is far more attractive to women than a guy who is just a pretty face. (pause) I wonder how he feels about polygamy...
MAN: *ignores *

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