Scarlet Letters

Step 1: Introduce Man to The Walking Dead. Step 2: Enable Man's growing addiction to The Walking Dead by suggesting he watch back episodes every day to get caught up. Step 3: Wait until there is a particularly creepy cliffhanger. Step 4: Hug Man. Step 5: While hugging, make growly noise deep in throat and suddenly lunge at Man's neck. Step 6: Watch Man leap four feet in the air and squeal like a little girl, exclaiming, "Don't do that!" Step 7: Point and laugh. Step 8: Write snarky blog post mocking Man when you know you'd react exactly the same way, plus smacking him. Rinse. Repeat.

"What you plan and what takes place ain't never been but similar." -- Jayne Cobb The plan for a normal Monday was simple enough. Monday is Jimmy's turn to get up at 6:20 a.m. with Boy and supervise his morning routine to get him out the door by 7:15. Then I would nap a little more, getting up in time for me to start my shift at 9:30 as usual. (Of course, my commute is generally a lot shorter than his.) He leaves for work at 1 p.m., so we usually get to grab lunch together. I finish up about 5:30 or 6 p.m. on a normal day, Boy is home by then, we have dinner and Scouts. Added this Monday was an orchestra fundraiser we might or might not attend at 6 p.m. Work has been kicking my ass lately, with seven electoral races on my dance card. The election preview stories are the biggest issue, with in-depth interviews and issues questionnaires from each candidate. Chasing politicians is my new mission in life. I had a pretty heavy Monday slated: writing up two more previe...

If you want to see me at Archon this weekend, you're gonna need a butterfly net. The Literary Underworld booth will be set up and operating from Friday morning until roughly noon Sunday. As is our custom, we will stay open late on Friday and Saturday nights to accommodate shoppers who may be busy with programming during the day. Yes, even during the masquerade! The Underlords in attendance include Michales Joy, T.W. Fendley, Terry Sofian, Jimmy Gillentine and guest of honor Elonka Dunin, though I'm betting Elonka will be a little too busy to work the booth! Sadly, Georgia L. Jones and Sara M. Harvey will be unable to make the show after all. Warning! Jimmy and I have another event on Sunday afternoon, so we will be packing up the booth fairly quickly on Sunday. I know many folks like to wait until Sunday to buy, but I strongly encourage you to get your stuff on Saturday - if we're not rolling out of the Gateway Center by noon, we aren't going to make the Edwardsv...

My initiation as an Underlord in The Literary Underworld Guest blog by Nick Valentino First off, let me say that I'm honored to be a part of this blog tour! Thank you to everyone in the Literary Underworld for all their hard work and dedication. I count myself extremely lucky to know such good people! Thank you for including me! For years I was in a metal band and our philosophy was tour tour tour . The idea behind it was if you play enough shows in front of people all around the country then surely you'll get recognized. Well, in a band you have to deal with other people that have their own lives, problems and agendas. At the point when the touring ideal started to die around me, I started writing stories, then books. My mission was to get published and take my own touring machine on the road. Not too long after I had some decent stories, I got published and I relentlessly booked up a year and half of travel. From Victoria, BC to Atlantic Cit...

Guest blogger: T.W. Fendley I'm a writer of historical fantasy and science fiction with a Mesoamerican twist for adults and young adults, and one of the newest "Underlords" in the Literary Underworld. I first learned about this cooperative venture from the founder, Elizabeth Donald, a few years ago at Archon, the annual St. Louis-area science fiction/fantasy convention. I made sure to contact Elizabeth after L&L Dreamspell published my debut historical fantasy novel, ZERO TIME, and was thrilled to join this great group of writers. Our ongoing Literary Underworld Blog Tour is reaching out to readers like you, who care about authors and small presses. We want you to know that when you buy from this co-op, you make a difference. Authors may receive up to three times more than they would if you bought their books from a big-box retailer. We appreciate your support and especially your interest in our books! Soon after I started writing fiction in the mid-'90s, a...

Warning: I am about to whiiiiiine. I am SICK AND TIRED of my leg. I'm tired of not being able to go up to my office without a giant production number. I'm tired of hurting after I'm on my feet ten minutes. I'm tired of my wobbly knee randomly giving out without warning and making me grab something fast to keep from falling. I'm tired of hobbling up and down stairs like a ninety-year-old woman. I'm tired of the itchy stupid brace that won't stay where it's supposed to and has to be restrapped every half hour or it becomes useless. I'm tired of forgetting and standing up too fast, feeling the wrench and having to sit down real fast. It's been a week and a half and it should be better by now, since it isn't frigging broken. "A real bad wrench" is what the doc called it. She said I had to be on restricted duty for a week. That expired four days ago. This is ridiculous. I know, perspective, anyone with real injuries or disabiliti...

SUNDAY Funny thing about the demon in my knee: he remains asleep for the most part unless I’m walking. On Sunday morning, I awoke relatively pain-free and forgot that I was injured. Then I got out of bed. That little fucker stabbed the back of my kneecap with his pitchfork and yanked the nerve bundles at the same time. Oh yeah, still injured. By now the calf muscle had also decided it hated me, and tied itself up into a little pretzel. You know after you get the charleyhorse, how the muscle stays knotted up, tight and painful like you’ll never relax it again? Yeah, like that. No time to whinge; I had the most important obligation of my weekend ahead. I consider my reading vitally important, and I don’t get why any author wouldn’t. It’s the chance for established readers to hear what I’ve got coming up next, and for new readers to hear my stuff for the first time. I usually advertise the hell out of my readings. However, the new material from Moonlight Sonata isn’t te...

--> SATURDAY All right, let’s get this out of the way: I was warned. Wrenn told me the floor of the bathroom was wet. I just wasn’t paying attention, as I wrestled myself into my clothes on Saturday morning so I could make my first panel. I fell. It was a bad one. Turns out I can’t do the splits anymore, not that I ever really could. My left foot shot forward, catching the toe under the wooden lip of the sink cabinet and for a moment I thought it was broken. My right foot twisted behind and under me, wrenching my knee in a direction that God never intended. I let out an unwomanly yelp, which was coupled with the gigantic thud of my ass hitting the floor. I must have startled Keith and Wrenn something awful, because they were pounding on the door. I was in my undergarments and my ass was sopping wet from the floor, so I told them I’d be out in a moment. I hauled myself up into the toilet and assessed the damage. Left toe: scraped and bruised. Right calf: strained and...

FRIDAY Unbeknownst to me, there was an emergency in the night. Sean’s wife was rushed to the emergency room with what turned out to be a ruptured appendix. I woke up and everyone was gone, so I packed up my stuff and did the zombie nails, unknowing. And Sean still managed to come back mid-morning to take me to the train station so I could still make the convention. Major friend points, folks. Sean, unfortunately, never made it to the show. Lisa had emergency surgery that night, and then made it home, where I understand she is recovering nicely. Any blame for this must fall directly on my ghost, who apparently followed me to Atlanta… Back to the train for me, and I wrassled Monstro to the Hilton. See, I had had a reservation at the Castleberry Inn, which was two train stops away from the show and only $69 a night. I was to share with my friend and fellow author Jay Smith, whom I had known for eons online but never met in person. Jay is the creator and lead writer of H...

Fair warning, folks: This is long. I was just going to do a quick summary post, but apparently I only do "quick" and "summary" when doing fiction. So if you lived and suffered through Dragoncon with me... here's the nonfiction version. THURSDAY My Dragoncon trek started with a special treat: a visit from Sara Harvey and family! Sara was on her way to Worldcon in Chicago, and they stayed with us Wednesday night. This enabled us to play with the adorable baby Beatrice, and for Sara to assist me with my convention wardrobe. By “assist,” I mean, “shake her head in disgust and threaten to send two-third of my closet to Goodwill.” Sara has mad skills, and was able to cull a respectable four-day wardrobe out of my boring pile of momclothes. Nothing particularly spectacular, since I’m not doing the corsets this year. But enough to get by, even though she hates my blue paisley skirt. I love my blue paisley skirt. I kept putting it in the suitcase and she kept ...

In a couple of days I'll flap my wings and fly to ye olde Dragoncon, where I will be staying off-site for the first time and desperately hoping it is not a colossal error. I will be rooming with the marvelous Jay Smith of HG World fame, and with luck he will not turn out to be a serial killer. I will have fewer costume changes than usual, due to the aforementioned off-site lodgings, so don't be expecting the ballgowns this year. Besides, I'm not sure Jay knows how to lace a corset. I'll be hanging out with my charming editor Sean Taylor, with the usual assortment of Atlantean miscreants, and probably will not meet Keith DeCandido for the seventeenth time. Do try to find me at my autograph session or reading. For starters, I'll have books to sell. But even if you're not buying and I've signed everything you own up to and including your right arm, come see me! Free chocolate! And if you know me online, please introduce yourself! For that matter, if you...

As seen on Twitter, in the original order. The reasons I hate my bloody printer, with which I have been locked in mortal combat for going on two years now, I think. No. 1: It cannot find my wireless network, and NEVER HAS. This has persisted despite two different residences, a new modem and new router. I should rephrase: it can see the network, but it cannot complete a connection with it. Ever. No matter what my good friends on the Kodak helpline try. No. 2: New ink cartridges allow color printing for about four sheets, then it all turns to hell. I installed new cartridges tonight so we could print the Boy's images for his new project. By the time we got to the third sheet, the Cardinal logo was yellow. It has completely lost the ability to calibrate its colors despite a recalibration this afternoon. No. 3: It has the exact same problems as the original printer, which took months of hell before they replaced it. Some of you lived and suffered through my increasingly-hysteri...

This just in: Hunger Games Trilogy Outsells Harry Potter ! ABC, Washington Post, Forbes, Wall Street Journal, New York Daily News... everyone's excited for Katniss Everdeen. Here's the catch: It's misleading as hell. And it's being repeated all over the 'net. Sure, the Hunger Games trilogy has outsold the Harry Potter books... on Amazon. Supposedly. Contrary to popular belief, there are millions of books sold every year from booksellers other than Amazon. Yes, they exist. Online and off. Want proof? As of June 2011, the most recent figures I could find, Harry Potter books had sold about 450 million copies . The numbers Scholastic released this month for The Hunger Games trilogy declare about 50 million copies , print and digital. In other words, about one-ninth what Harry Potter has sold. That's nothing to sneeze at, and it's worth pointing out that Hunger Games is only three books published in four years with one movie, while the boy wizard ha...

Me: You've got this whole Javier Bardem look going on today, it's nice. Him: Who? Me: Javier Bardem. He's an actor. *finds picture on cell* This guy. Him: I look nothing like him. Me: You do too. *finds Jeffrey Dean Morgan* Actually you look even more like him. Him: Okay, you've shown me that one before. Me: Yeah. I'd cast him to play you in the inevitable TV-movie about us. Him: ... no. Me: What, don't you think we'd make a fun TV-movie? Maybe Lifetime? Him: No. Me: HBO? Skinimax! Bamp chicka bamp bamp. Him: *facepalm* Me: Sci-Fi channel? Him: Now you're talking. I spared him the follow-up question of who he'd cast to play me. Some things are just too cruel to do to a man.

I was reading something wedding-related - of course, it's my new hobby - and came across an interesting quote. Of course now I cannot find it, but it was the editor of Bride magazine and he said in an interview that at no other time in her life is a woman as valuable to marketers than she is when she is planning her wedding. Believe it or not, this column is not (entirely) going to be about weddings. It has stuck with me for days, despite my inability to find the exact quote, because it doesn't make sense to me. Oh sure, I've noticed it. From the moment I wrote my name on some sheet identifying myself as "bride," I have been deluged with offers. They're in the mailbox and inbox, they are soooo friendly and happy to see me. The come-ons are constant. Photographers, videographers, florists, planners, hotels, restaurants, venues, caterers, dress shops, tea rooms, photo booth rentals, bakers, travel agents (yes, they still exist)... everyone wants the money w...

If there’s something about planning a wedding that has surprised me, it’s all the rules . I knew there was a “wedding industry” that pretty much thrived on satin and tulle. For the vast majority of us, there’s only one time you get to throw an all-out formal bash with caterers and flower arrangements. Unless you’re a professional party planner or work for one of those hoity-toity companies that does this kind of thing for the holiday party, a wedding is pretty much your only shot for black tie and rose petals. The thing is, I didn’t really plan my first wedding. I was all of twenty-two, desperately trying to finish my last semester of college and find a job before I graduated so my new husband and I would not starve. Times being what they were, I succeeded, but it was not without a herculean effort. I could not finish college, find a job, plan a cross-country move and do a wedding all in eight months. So I handed it over to my mom. I figured they were paying for it, so ...