Scarlet Letters

The not-so-private thoughts and rants of Elizabeth Donald, journalist/author and founder of the Literary Underworld.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Snippets: Deskbound Edition

Two things you must know about this Snippet: I am currently in the process of sorting, filing, and reorganizing my office for greater efficiency and less clutter. This is a work in progress.

Also, we are still a one-car family, so Jim is heavily dependent on the bus system for his transportation to and from work. And he is still on the night shift while I'm on the day shift, which means texting is our primary form of marital communication. On this particular day, I had assignments in Collinsville and Belleville.

MAN: Where is your stapler?
ME: My stapler is on my desk.
MAN: ...where?
ME: In plain sight. On the desk.
MAN: Your desk is a war zone.
ME: My desk is not a war zone. I know exactly where everything is on my desk.
MAN: Your desk is a disaster. Your desk looks like a kaiju stomped through it.
ME: My desk is in a state of transition.
MAN: Your desk is in a state of chaos.
ME: Just use the stapler and stop messing up my desk.
MAN: I couldn't possibly mess up your desk.
ME: Get outta my office.
MAN: Ha! No wonder I couldn't find it, it was between two boxes.
ME: Those are stacks. I'm sorting paper.
MAN: Your desk is frightening.
ME: Better quit making fun of my desk, it'll eat you up.
MAN: I'm away from the desk now, I'm safe to make fun of it.
ME: That's what you think.
MAN: Your desk will be known in the history books as the Battle of the Paperclips.
ME: I'm not speaking to you.
MAN: I saw the spores from your coffee cups lining up on your desk forming battle formations. I could have sworn I heard a bugle sounding the charge.
ME: It's a good thing that I had my phone off during my interview, because I would not have been able to resist texting you four-letter words. And there are no coffee cups on my desk. I think.
MAN: You know you love me.

Later...

MAN: My bus still hasn't shown up.
ME: Which bus?
MAN: The one from Leclaire downtown.
ME: I don't know what to tell you, it was due at 4:34.
* checks listings*
ME: Um, due to construction there is no bus for Leclaire today.
MAN: It's okay. I'm on the campus. [Neighbor] Mike saves the day.
ME: Whew.
MAN: Now if he could only save your desk. You should take pictures of the battlegrounds for the sake of history.
ME: My desk is a LOT better than it used to be, meanypants.
MAN: I heard a little bugle sound.... then a tiny voice yell, "Charge!" Thus the Battle of Paperclip Hill began... the carnage....
ME: I'm still not speaking to you.

----

ME: Did you bring up my costume trunk from the basement?
MAN: ...
ME: Now I'm definitely not speaking to you.
MAN: Sorry.
ME: Then I will have to bring it up myself and if I fall under its weight and die alone on the basement floor YOU'LL BE SORRY.
MAN: Ask Ian. We have him for hard labor.
ME: He has volleyball tonight.
MAN: He can do it when he gets home.
ME: At 10? I need to pack.
MAN: Oh.
ME: Nothing wittier than that for the blog?
MAN: I'm witted out. The Battle of Paperclip Hill took it out of me.
ME: I shall have to reinspire you with Boy's Life jokes.
MAN: Shoot me now.

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