Scarlet Letters

The not-so-private thoughts and rants of Elizabeth Donald, journalist/author and founder of the Literary Underworld.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

Snippets: Smoke Signals Edition

ME: *sad sad face*
JIM: What?
ME: I thought you made coffee.
JIM: I was going to. I meant to. I got distracted.
ME: There is no coffee. I put the Splenda in the cup and everything.
JIM: I'll make coffee.
ME: As is your Biblical duty.
JIM: No. Don't.
ME: In the Book of Hebrews.
JIM: Now I won't make coffee.
ME: Aaaaah! You have to!
JIM: I refuse in the light of awful humor.
ME: God compels you!

(He made coffee.)

-----

BOY: *fiddles with iPad* So last week, [BTG]'s phone died. Like, forever died.
ME: That sucks.
BOY: Yeah. So she was trying to find a texting app to put on her Kindle so we could text. But she couldn't find one, because it's a really old Kindle. So we're having to talk by email.
ME: Wow. Just like the olden days.
BOY: Yeah. Like that old movie, You've Got Mail. Where they talk by email.
ME: That old movie.
BOY: Yeah.
ME: You know what we did when I was in high school?
BOY: Smoke signals?
ME: [response redacted for inappropriate language]
BOY: *snickers*
ME: We used the telephone.
BOY: No way. I mean, we could use the phone, and talk and stuff. But we're both watching television with our parents, which means we'd have to leave the room to talk to each other, and then they - you - have to pause the show, and everything stops, and -
ME: Yeah, that's how we did it in the olden days.

-----

Texting Jim from the Relay for Life team captains' meeting...

ME: I put you down as Relay co-captain. Do you want to be on luminaria committee or survivors dinner?
JIM: No! I'm just hired muscle.
ME: I can help you reach your potential.
JIM: No co-captain!
JIM: Noooooooooo
JIM: No
ME: You get a T-shirt.
JIM: No.
JIM: No.
ME: Pout.
JIM: No.
ME: Life is about stepping up to challenges, love.
JIM: No.
ME: Hired muscle then. Except you won't get paid.
JIM: Okay.

-----

ME: Ian ate that whole pizza by himself. And now he's prowling for more.
JIM: Lol
ME: He came into the living room with a small bowl from the fridge and asked what it was. "Onion dip," I replied. The evil grin on his face was meme-worthy.
JIM: Goodbye chips.
ME: He's doing his best.
JIM: I have faith in him.
ME: ...
ME: I think he's slowing down.

-----

ME: Dad and Karen want to know if you'll grill your magic pork steaks tomorrow night.
JIM: Of corsets.
ME: SNARF
JIM: Wait a moment. That came out wrong.
ME: Honey, this is my family. Try to control yourself.
JIM: Sorry. Yes. I will gladly grill for them.
ME: What ingredients do you need? Besides lingerie?
JIM: Ohhhhhhhh
ME: INGREDIENTS.
JIM: Ooooihhhhrah
JIM: We'll need to bring the sauce.
ME: Anything else? Coffee, tea, me?
JIM: Mmm, coffee. Salt. Pepper. Wood chips for smoking. Pork stakes.
ME: Stakes? Are we expecting vampires? In corsets?
JIM: Silence woman. We are talking about BBQ.
ME: Remember what happened the last time you said "Silence woman"? And tomorrow is Throwback Thursday.
JIM: Oh.

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