Scarlet Letters

The not-so-private thoughts and rants of Elizabeth Donald, journalist/author and founder of the Literary Underworld.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Snippets

MAN: (from downstairs) Yes! Yes! Yes!
ME: ...
MAN: *ascends stairs*
ME: What.
MAN: Finally! *places his laptop in front of me*
ME: *reads* They finally fixed your pension information?
MAN: We're finally married again!
ME: Dang. *starts to remove rings*
MAN: Stop that! You have to wear them now!
ME: That's what you're so excited about? What you shouted about and came up here to interrupt me? Your pension beneficiary information?
MAN: It only took four tries.*
ME: Shoo. I'm working.
MAN: We're married!
ME: *snaps fingers*
MAN: *descends stairs* Mean...

------

ME: It's time to play "Good News, Bad News!"
BOY: Oh no what.
ME: The good news is, the evil phone insurance from Verizon does cover cracked screens.
BOY: Thank God!
ME: The bad news is that the deductible applies.
BOY: What's a deductible?
ME: It's the fee you pay to be able to use your insurance. Most plans have them, like cars or medical, etc.
BOY: What's the fee?
ME: Your deductible is $199.**
BOY: Aaaaaaaaargh.
ME: Yeah. The deductible in this case is actually more than the cost of repairing the phone.
BOY: Can we just pay it, please? I'm begging you.
ME: WE? Oh no, dear spawn of mine. This is on you.
BOY: Whaaaat?
ME: I am not paying to repair your phone after you used it for a hockey puck.
BOY: I didn't use it for a hockey puck, someone at church made that joke and you thought it was hilarious.
ME: It was hilarious. It perfectly describes what your phone looks like after whatever you did to it. Your screen looks like a hardboiled egg after you roll it around in the pan.
BOY: *moans in pain*
BFG: *consoles* My sister got the same response when she cracked her screen.
ME: See, I have had two smartphones and I have never cracked the screen.
BOY: Because you don't do the things that we young people do.
ME: Oh, you mean juggling my phone over concrete? You're right, I just use it to, y'know, call people.
BOY: *ignores* We run around, play outside...
ME: And what does that have to do with your phone?
BFG: *to Boy* I think you're losing.
BOY: *facepalms, stares at phone*
ME: Your best bet at this point is to research around for a service that will replace your glass for less than $199. And then start saving.
BOY: *moans*

For the record, the phone works, it's just annoying. Also: If you locals can recommend a place, Boy would be greatly appreciative. Also also: I am totally canceling that insurance.

------

BOY: *delivers coffee* Courtesy of Jimmy.
ME: Coffee! Thank you. It is his husbandly responsibility.
BOY: Oh really.
ME: Yes. It says so in the Bible, in the Book of Hebrews.
BOY: *sigh* Did you come up with that one all by yourself?
ME: Mean! I'll have you know people who don't live with me think I'm hilarious.
BOY: They must have low expectations.
ME: Get out of my office.

------

ME: I'm anticipating that Ian's registration fees will be $350 this fall.
JIM: Ouch.
ME: Yes, they increased the fees, so it's $125 for orchestra, $125 for theater, and $100 for textbooks. I don't want to tell him he can't do theater because we can't afford the fee, but...
JIM: There's my financial aid.
ME: *sigh* I know this town is generally richer than we are, but there must be other people in the same boat with us. They can't all be able to just write the check.
JIM: You've got to think, if a family is making $100,000 a year...
ME: Yeah, the Scouts all had the $100 boots, except Ian in the Army surplus boots. I guess for them, they can just write the check.
JIM: How much is that a month, out of sheer curiosity?
ME: *taps on phone* $100,000 divided by 12... Holy....
JIM: How much?
ME: $8,333 a month.
JIM: Yeah, I think they can afford it.
ME: Their taxes would be higher than ours.
JIM: Yeah, then they might bring home $6,000 a month.
ME: Curse me with such problems.
JIM: So yeah, they can probably afford the school fees.
ME: *sigh* I hate being poor.
JIM: I'm working on my degree.
ME: *eyebrow* Wait a second, mister. Who says it's up to YOU?
JIM: I don't know that I'll snag a job that pays $100,000 with a bachelor's, but -
ME: We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it. Back up to the part where you assume that if we're poor, it's your sole responsibility to fix it because you at the possessor of the penis?
JIM: Yes.
ME: So I'm just the helpless, dependent female.
JIM: Uh...
ME: Get out of my office, Cro-Magnon.
JIM: *pitches voice low* Yah, yah, me man, earn money for woman, yah yah
ME: *pretends to throw pica pole at retreating man*
JIM: *keeps talking Cro-Magnon down the stairs*



* We have been trying to get his pension information sorted out since we married. In November 2014. Four tries is just the number of times we've had to re-send our marriage certificate, birth certificates, etc.
** For reference: Boy made $15 a month working in the church nursery until recently. $199 might as well be $19,000.

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1 Comments:

Blogger jilly-bear said...

TLC at the Mid River's Mall fixes screens for about $100 last time we checked. There might be one in a mall near you.

8:19 AM  

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