Snippets: Strumpet edition

My mother has a kaffir lime tree. On occasion, she sends me its dried leaves for recipes. A new batch recently arrived and we were putting away groceries along with stuff that had piled up in the living room.

ME: Here, put away my kaffir leaves.
MAN: You mean your pot?
ME: It is not pot.
MAN: It's your pot.
ME: My mother would not send me pot.
MAN: ...
ME: My mother would probably not send me pot.
MAN: She does live in California.

He never makes these jokes about the vanilla bean paste or Mennonite brown sugar.

----

MAN: I'm about to do laundry. Do you have any other clothes lying around somewhere?
ME: Why would I do that? Do you believe I am the sort to simply leave my clothes strewn everywhere like some kind of strumpet?*
MAN: ...
MAN: ...
ME: *narrows gaze* Answer correctly.
MAN: ...
MAN: ...you mean like, um, some kind of trombone, or...
ME: Do NOT try to save yourself with a lame joke, especially when you haven't come up with one by the time you start speaking.
MAN: I don't know what a strumpet is, woman!
ME: *giggle*
MAN: It sounds like a dessert! Or some kind of instrument!
ME: Get out of my office.
MAN: *muttering down the stairs* A trombone, something you blow -
ME: Don't even think I'm responding to that.

----

ME: Ooooh, we still have bacon from Stonie's**?
MAN: It's the last pack.
ME: Uh oh. Should we... I guess...
MAN: We have to eat it sometime.
ME: Okay. Defrost it. Good eating tomorrow morning!
MAN: We still have some frying ham and bulk sausage from there too -
ME: Hold up. We do not have "frying ham." There is no such thing.
MAN: Yes there is. It's thick-cut slices of ham you fry in a pan.
ME: Those are ham steaks and you broil them in the oven.
MAN: You fry them up on the stove.
ME: Not everything needs to be fried!
MAN: Yes it does!
ME: I swear, you people*** would fry anything.
MAN: Yes, we would.
ME: You'd fry butter if you thought you could -
MAN: Yes, we did.
ME: *facepalm*

----

ME: Wake up, love. I'm getting breakfast rolling.
MAN: Mmmmf.
ME: This morning we are having biscuits and sawmill gravy, made from scratch on the stove. I'm attempting to be a good Southern wife.
MAN: *look*
ME: You opened your eyes just to roll them at me?
MAN: Mmm-hmmm.
ME: What, you don't think I can learn to be a good Southern wife?
MAN: No.
ME: Are you saying I can't do anything I choose to do?
MAN: Trap.
ME: Whatever do you mean, honey?
MAN: Trap. I ain't saying nothing.
ME: Darling, I am your wife. I would never try to trap you into saying something that would get you into trouble.
MAN: *opens eyes to roll them again*


* Not that there's anything wrong with that...
** Stonie's - an awesome little butcher shop on the drive between St. Louis and Memphis. We load up whenever we're heading back. 
*** You people = Southerners. We have these occasional religious disagreements. For example: macaroni and cheese is not a side dish.

Comments

  1. What do you mean mac and cheese isn't a side dish! It goes beautifully with pork. And occasionally we will through some tuna in it and make it the main course. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just so you can make the deep fried butter for your long suffering man. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/paulas-fried-butter-balls-recipe

    ReplyDelete

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