Frustration, thy name is health
"It takes six months to get in shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this, you can stop being angry about everything else and just be angry about this."
-- Rita Rudner, para.
Oh diet app, bite me. Nice little pop-up telling me "you aren't eating enough calories!"
Yes, I've noticed. I have done everything my doctors told me to do. I track everything I eat - even a bite of bagel at church. I stay under 1800 calories a day with a balance between protein, fat and carbohydrate. I work out several times a week, both cardio workouts and strength training in the weight room. I take my meds like I'm supposed to even when they make me sick.
And since the docs switched me to the new med two months ago, I've gained 16 pounds. Yay? Wasn't that supposed to regulate my screwed-up endocrine system so it could operate like a normal human? Do normal humans work out, diet and gain weight?
Diet app, you are my constant companion on this nonsense. You know what's really fun, diet app? It's when I finish off the day, and you pop up with, "If every day were like today, you'd weigh (number redacted) in five weeks!"
LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE
Tired of doctors telling me that there's nothing I can do about it. Tired of hearing that Problem A means I can't treat Problem B, and Problem B is causing the main symptoms leading to Problem A. Tired of seeing "borderline" blood chemistry. Tired of showing them the meal tracker and exercise log and hearing, "Well, you're doing everything right..." Tired of hearing that I just have a screwed-to-hell endocrine system and all the dieting and exercise in the world isn't going to work. These are doctors saying this.
Tired of sitting on the bench at Six Flags because it's too embarrassing to squish myself into the chair. Tired of being tired.
And if I see one more goddamn meme lecturing, "Eat less, move more!" I might go nuclear on someone.
So I made an appointment with an endocrinologist. Let's fix me.
She can see me in September.
September.
Really.
So now I can just be angry about THAT.
-- Rita Rudner, para.
Oh diet app, bite me. Nice little pop-up telling me "you aren't eating enough calories!"
Yes, I've noticed. I have done everything my doctors told me to do. I track everything I eat - even a bite of bagel at church. I stay under 1800 calories a day with a balance between protein, fat and carbohydrate. I work out several times a week, both cardio workouts and strength training in the weight room. I take my meds like I'm supposed to even when they make me sick.
And since the docs switched me to the new med two months ago, I've gained 16 pounds. Yay? Wasn't that supposed to regulate my screwed-up endocrine system so it could operate like a normal human? Do normal humans work out, diet and gain weight?
Diet app, you are my constant companion on this nonsense. You know what's really fun, diet app? It's when I finish off the day, and you pop up with, "If every day were like today, you'd weigh (number redacted) in five weeks!"
LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE
Tired of doctors telling me that there's nothing I can do about it. Tired of hearing that Problem A means I can't treat Problem B, and Problem B is causing the main symptoms leading to Problem A. Tired of seeing "borderline" blood chemistry. Tired of showing them the meal tracker and exercise log and hearing, "Well, you're doing everything right..." Tired of hearing that I just have a screwed-to-hell endocrine system and all the dieting and exercise in the world isn't going to work. These are doctors saying this.
Tired of sitting on the bench at Six Flags because it's too embarrassing to squish myself into the chair. Tired of being tired.
And if I see one more goddamn meme lecturing, "Eat less, move more!" I might go nuclear on someone.
So I made an appointment with an endocrinologist. Let's fix me.
She can see me in September.
September.
Really.
So now I can just be angry about THAT.
I cannot say how I empathize with this. After I waved a sheaf of print-outs tracking my diet and exercise, sleep habits and medications at her, asking why I haven't lost weight if all my blood work is "acceptable," my Endo told me that my world had shrunk down to a set of numbers that weren't doing me any good. Perhaps it was time to ditch the numbers and just live for health.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I rage cry easily, so you can imagine how it went from there.
I made the mistake of getting back into the numbers thing briefly and fell right back into the hole of obsessive control. I've deleted my diet app and am working on finding a mindful, self check-in app.
This sucks, on more levels than can be discussed in a short space. I'm sorry you go through it, too.
I've got a screwed up endocrine system too - if I remember, I think we've discussed this before and have similar diagnoses... Pretty much I've been told I'm doing everything right, this is just how my body works (or doesn't), and unless I want to discuss radical options like weight loss surgery (which my Dr doesn't think I need because I have no serious medical reasons to lose weight right now, it's mostly an aesthetic issue) there's nothing more I can do about it.
ReplyDeleteI've come to peace with this being a "suck it up and live with it" issue (I have a laundry list of them already), and I'm actually pretty happy with my body when I think about it from "within myself"... in other words - as I say to a bunch of people, I'm built for strength, not speed. My size gives me certain athletic/strength advantages compared to other women my age, I look younger than most of my peers, and I seem to have more general stamina than most of them. (It seems to me like I'm aging slower? Is that possible?)
The frustration and "rage cry moments", as DK mentions, are when society reminds me that it doesn't matter how my body functions, but how it looks. That people will judge my worth, health status, intelligence, physical ability, hygiene, business acumen, and all sorts of other things by the size of my body, and only that, ignoring all other available data about me in the process.