Post-Election* Snippets

MAN: Some of our friends need to be more careful. These highly attractive women wanting to be my friend have mutual friends with me.
ME: The highly attractive woman looking for a good man?
MAN: Yes. I get these friend requests from these gorgeous supermodels who are all about friending me and I'm all, "Delete."
ME: Now now, hon. Who's to say an attractive woman would not be falling all over herself for you?
MAN: *eyebrow of skepticism* Not these women, hon.
ME: So you're saying there's no way an attractive woman would be attracted to you?
MAN: That's right.
ME: So you're saying I'm not attractive?
MAN: ...
MAN: ...
ME: *wide grin*
MAN: Woman!
ME: *guffaw* Oh honey. It's right in front of you, a giant pit, and you go and just jump on in.


BOY: What's for dinner?
ME: Food.
BOY: There are mashed potatoes on the counter, but no other food.
ME: Yes there is. There's a roast in the oven.
BOY: *makes face* Roast?
ME: Yes. A carefully seasoned-from-scratch beef roast simmering in my own gravy recipe, ungrateful one.
BOY: *makes face again*
ME: For what do I get face? You got a problem with roast?
BOY: Yes. Make burgers or pasta with sauce, please. *wide grin*
ME: Get outta my office.

(He had two helpings.)


Boy wanders in drinking from a dark brown bottle.

ME: ...What are you drinking?
BOY: Beer.
ME: Very funny. Are you drinking my very last diet root beer?
BOY: ... I didn't know it was yours.
ME: Spawn!
BOY: Sorry.


MAN: Can I borrow a little cash so I can get a soda to go with my lunch that I packed?
ME: Wow, subtle. Yes, I bought you lunchstuff. Yes, you can swipe a buck. It's in the change bowl.
MAN: *goes to petty cash bowl Sarah Sanford made for me*
MAN: *swipes a fiver*
ME: HEY! I said a buck, not five! You shouldn't drink that much soda!
MAN: Muahahahaha. *puts money in wallet*
ME: Hey! I've been robbed! Gimme your wallet.
MAN: No!
ME: If you're gonna drown yourself in caffeine you're not supposed to have, buy it yourself! *grabs at wallet*
MAN: *dances away* Bye now! *kisses*
ME: You taste like coffee. Did you make coffee?
MAN: *whistles*
ME: Or did you drink the last of the coffee and now you're leaving me coffee-less?
MAN: Gotta go!


ME: You have violated the Book of Hebrews.
ME: Fortunately I had one DoubleShot left. But there shall be retribution.
MAN: Strange that we are going over that in class today.
ME: You can share with them my interpretation.
MAN: I will.

* Man, it sure took a while to build up enough household snark to fill a blog entry...