BOY: *drops TV remote on the hardwood floor for the 900th time*
ME: *glare of doom*
BOY: I've got it! I've got it. It... still works. Sort of. Don't press too hard on the left side.
ME: Would you go get a newspaper?
BOY: Why?
ME: So I can roll it up and smack you over the head with it.
BOY: I didn't mean to!
ME: Okay, we can't change input anymore. Quit breaking my shit!
BOY: Watch your language.
ME: Yeah, it's really goddamn unladylike to swear.
BOY: You'll never catch a husband with a mouth like that.
ME: *choke*

Out-smartmouthed by my own spawn. The student becomes the master.


ME: Can you snag me a glass of milk?
BOY: *dramatic sigh*
ME: Oh please. It's not that big a trial.
BOY: *more sighing*
ME: Dear Mom, thank you for going to the grocery store after work and spending your hard-earned money buying food to fill my belly. I appreciate your sacrifices for my well-being.
BOY: Thanks Mom...


ME: Metro-East Lutheran is having its home and garden show this weekend.
MAN: *mimes zipping lip*
ME: What? It's a home show!
MAN: And garden.
ME: *glares*
MAN: I can hear the screams of the poor plants now.
ME: Excuse me. *leaves room*
MAN: *follows me to bathroom* Oh no, the plants cry, it's Elizabeth!
ME: *emerges with spray bottle*
MAN: Noooo! *flees*
ME: *chases Man, spraying him with water* Mock my gardening, will you!
MAN: *runs into closet, hides*
ME: Muahahahaha.
MAN: *from inside closet* Noooooo! The poor plants!