Scarlet Letters

The not-so-private thoughts and rants of Elizabeth Donald, journalist/author and founder of the Literary Underworld.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Chief Cook and Bottle Washer

In order to understand this, you should know that our kitchen has a portable dishwasher that has a short. If you hook it up, it will shock you. We do not use it, though it makes for nice countertop space until we can afford a new cabinet.

You should also know that we have a great division of labor in the house. I cook the food. Man washes the dishes. Boy dries and puts them away. Rinse, repeat.

ME: Okay, time for dishes!
BOY: *deepsigh*
ME: Oh please.
BOY: We should use the dishwasher.
ME: No way. It'll kill you dead.
BOY: It'd be worth it!
ME: What, to die?
BOY: Yes!
ME: *eyeroll*
MAN: It doesn't work anyway. I tried.
ME: Are you kidding?
MAN: When we first moved in!
ME: Thank God. Because the electrician was so horrified by that thing he wanted to get rid of it just so we wouldn't sue him if we used it and we died.
BOY: I hate the dishes.
ME: Besides, we have a dishwasher. And he's cute. *wolf whistle*
MAN: *eyeroll*
BOY: Let's get a new one. How much do they cost?
ME: $500.
BOY: Raise it!
ME: You raise it! I'm still working on your summer school!
BOY: But... but...
ME: You forget, Spawn, that I washed the dishes for your entire life before you reached your present height. All those years, doing the dishes by myself. You owe me big time.
BOY: We had a dishwasher then!
ME: *momrant* Oh no, boychild. We did not have a dishwasher when you were a toddler and took a bowl of Spaghetti-O's and dumped them on your head like a hat! We did not have a dishwasher when you had your first birthday and your first cupcake and you mashed it into your face like the Alien facehugger!
BOY: *giggles*
ME: We did not have a dishwasher when I was cleaning your baby bottles and had to use this little tiny brush to clean the milk out of the bottle nipples!
MAN: I remember those things.
ME: We did not have a dishwasher when I was boiling them on the stove to disinfect them! We did not have a dishwasher for any of those things, so bite me!
BOY: *giggling madly* You're a parent, so you should be able to -
ME: Run, now, before you finish that sentence.
BOY: *scrams into kitchen*

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