Dear Amazon: You Really Must Be Kidding

I freely admit that I don't get how Amazon picks its "buy these two for almost the same price!" deals.

I mean, I get that they're going to put my vamp books with some damn Twilight knockoff, because of course all vampire books are the same. Head, desk, repeat. Sometimes they get it right, such as when they put Nocturne and Abaddon together. I mean, they are in the same series. And maybe if you don't look too closely, you won't notice that the price for both books is exactly the same as it would be buying them separately, or that you could get both books directly from me, signed, for a whole lot less.

But whose fucking brilliant idea was it to put my decidedly non-sexual collection of horror and science fiction Twilight-Zone-style creepified stories ... with the Hitachi Magic Wand?

I am not making this up.

On the off chance one or two of you don't know, the Hitachi Magic Wand is a giant vibrator.

Really? Which is the sexier story - the guerrilla alien fighters running through the streets of a postapocalyptic New York City, or the submarine crew trapped at the bottom of the ocean under the baleful eye of a sea monster? It's the grief-stricken young man trying to travel through time to save his beloved from an untimely death, or maybe it's the demonic teddy bear that gets you hot.

There are therapists for this kind of thing.

(Yeah, I know Amazon's out of stock. In case you're wondering, you can still get it from me. Funniest part of this... the line that says, "Shipped by different retailers." Ya think? I kinda doubt my publisher has a box full of vibrators next to his desk.)


  1. It says "frequently bought together." Apparently, your fanbase has some weird fetishes. ^_~

    (And thankyouverymuch for the image of Frank with a box of vibrators next to his desk!!!!!)

  2. It's not the stories, it's the prose that gets us hot. 8)

  3. Anonymous12:17 AM

    Agreeing with Sara on both points...

    I'm now going to go back to trying to breathe instead of splutter...


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