Supernatural, episode 1:2

SUPERNATURAL episode 1:2

Previously on Supernatural, the whole series happened. Da Boyz had a mom and a dad, only something killed Mom in a burst of flame and Dad went on a decades-long crusade to find out what, only now Dad’s disappeared. Also, the younger brother’s girlfriend died in a burst of flame Just Like Mom. The younger brother looks like Ashton Kutchner, so that’s what I’m calling him. The older one is played by the actor who played Tackling Dummy (a less-than-bright assistant football coach) on SMALLVILLE last year.

We are now in Lake Manitoc, Wisconsin. I happen to know this episode is being aired out of order, so we’ll give the WB an honorary Fox Award for stupidity and pretend that the itinerary for the Brothers Grimm makes sense.

Oh, come on. It was that or call them Sculder and Mully.

We’re in some Wisconsin house, and either my VCR has taped this really badly or it is super-nasty-dark. Considering this is a cheerful, well-lit kitchen and I know how dark this show gets, we may be in for a fun recap. “Right now… something’s happening, but I can’t see it!”

Skinny blonde in track suit is getting some PowerAde from the fridge, preparing for her workout. Her Neanderthal brother tells her that guys don’t like buff chicks. Skinny blonde retorts that girls don’t like guys who still live at home. Point to skinny blonde, even if she wears a low-cut jogging suit. Duh-Dad monotones, “Be careful,” as Skinny Blonde goes out, so we know she’s toast.

Skinny Blonde is swimming in a lake. There’s an underwater shot that I will pretend is an homage instead of a direct JAWS ripoff, and another one that focuses unnecessarily on her crotch. She seems to hear voices, then something yanks her underwater. What did I say? Toast.

CafĂ© somewhere. Tackling Dummy, or TD for short, is happily circling obituary pictures of pretty girls. Make your own disgusting, insensitive jokes. Or wait for the show to do it for you, as a ridiculously attractive blonde in an insanely tight spaghetti top leans over TD and says, “Can I get you anything else?” TD gives her the lech-grin before Ashton (sorry, that’s who he looks like) drops by with his mopey face and she scurries off. TD reminds Ashton that they can still be lecherous pigs, and Ashton’s mopey-face reminds TD that his beloved-yet-mindless girlfriend was fricasseed in the last episode and P.S. TD is an insensitive cretin. But cute.

TD fills him in on Crissy the dead swimmer, whom I have named such after the dead girl in JAWS. Why do I have to come up with nicknames? Because I don’t care enough to rewind for the one time this episode people get real names. Crissy’s the third drowning this year. The Brothers Grimm go on yammering about how dumb it was for Crissy’s family to “bury” her when they didn’t have a body, but my brain stopped working because I saw Amy Acker’s name in the guest star list. No, I didn’t like her in ANGEL until they killed Fred and let her play a demon, but I don’t care, because it’s a little scrap of the Whedonverse and I’m happy happy happy.

Sorry, Ashton’s still whining about Dad’s cold trail. TD rightly calls him on his whimpering, especially considering that TD was actually hunting while Ashton was being an upwardly mobile young collegian. Besides, nobody likes a pretty-boy whiner.

Cabin by Lake Ness. Bwahahaha! TD introduces them to Neanderthal Brother as Agent Ford and Agent Hammill with the Galactic Rebellion! Okay, they left off the last part, he’s pretending to be Fish and Wildlife. But damn! If this bit with amusing names is a running gag, I might start to like this show for real.

Neanderthal Brother says Crissy got dragged out 100 yards into Lake Ness, and she couldn’t have drowned because she was a varsity swimmer. I’m distracted by TD’s really cool leather jacketv – I want! – and so I don’t care about Monosyllabic Dad mooning about on the docks.

Sheriff’s Department, and the sheriff doesn’t even look at the Jedi Twins’ fake IDs. I’m still chortling. It takes so little to make me happy. Andy Griffith wants to know why Fish and Wildlife cares about a drowning. They dragged the lake, they did sonar, there’s nothing down there. Kudos to Andy Griffith for appearing to actually care about his people, but TD blows it a minute later when Andy mentions the dam being shut down and TD covers very badly. How often has he gotten caught at this faking-out-the-authorities bit? He has no poker face.

Fred (Amy Acker) sticks her head in. She’s Andy Griffith’s daughter, and still so skinny she disappears when she turns sideways. A grandkid named Lucas appears, but refuses to speak. There is trauma. I get the feeling Andy Griffiith’s family lost somebody important to Lake Ness.

TD stupidly asks Fred to show them to the motel two blocks away, and tries to chat her up with, “Kids are the best.” She agrees, and once they arrive, she earns my love by saying, “It must be hard, with your sense of direction, unable to find your way to a decent pickup line.” Amen, sister! If the real Fred had had that much spunk, I might not have hated her.

The Brothers Grimm are using the Plot Device Computer to dig up records of Lake Ness. Ashton complains that with most deep-water critters, there are multiple sightings, but no one’s ever seen anything in Lake Ness. They find out about Fred’s husband – he took Lucas swimming, but “drowned,” and Lucas was left floating for two hours before he was rescued. Well, that’ll give you a nice chunk of therapy.

Speaking of which, TD is suddenly serious. “Watching one of your parents die isn’t something you just get over.” Ow! Stop dropping anvils on me! I remember, okay? It was just last week that we saw Little TD watch his mom get fried. We are watching the show and we have attention spans longer than houseflies. Thank you, Reannon.

Park. The Brothers Grimm drop by to talk to Fred. Ashton reassures Fred that TD isn’t really after her. Whatever. TD tries to chat with Lucas, who ignores him while drawing. “Chicks dig artists,” he says, and Fred bounces pea gravel off his head. Or not, but I would have. TD tells Lucas he will listen and believe him, blah blah, and the sappy piano tells us this is TD’s emotional-growth episode. He draws a picture of his family, omitting Mom’s flames.

Fred tells them Lucas has PTSD. You think? Fred still looks about fourteen, not nearly old enough to be Lucas’ mom. Lucas brings a picture over to the grownups and hands it to TD. It’s a picture of a house.

Crissy’s House by Lake Ness. Monosyllabic Dad is now damn near Comatose Dad. Neanderthal Brother tries to start dinner, but has him some plumbing problems – the sink fills up with icky lake water. So he sticks his hand into it. I wouldn’t. The plug comes out, but there’s one fuck of a hairball or something, so he keeps fishing until the lake water grabs him and holds him in the water until he drowns. This happens in thirty seconds, of course, instead of the five-plus minutes it really takes a person to drown. I guess it’d be boring to watch him drown for five minutes, but they could have cut away with him still struggling or something, so we don’t think, “I can hold my breath longer than that. Wuss.”

Commercial! Notice that there’s no credits? Did I miss something? Never mind, I’m watching the SERENITY commercials. Shuddup.

Motel. Ashton tells TD about Neanderthal’s drowning. They catch on to what we figured out ten minutes ago – the draining of the lake is making a water spirit or something mad. Monosyllabic Dad has now lost both his kids to Lake Ness, and by the way, Fred’s dead husband was MD’s godson.

Lake Ness. The Brothers Grimm try to interrogate MD, who is a little lost in grief and can’t speak much. They give up, and TD notices that the lake house is the same as Lucas’ drawing.

Fred’s place. She doesn’t think chatting with Lucas is a great idea. TD talks her into it. Lucas is playing with his little army men and drawing. TD tries to get him to communicate. He tells him that once he saw something bad happen to his mom, but he knew his mom wanted him to be brave. Okay, TD’s acting here, so I’ll be nice to him. Until he brings Lucas’ dad into it, and I want to smack him. Lucas looks up for a second, then gives TD another drawing.

Car. TD is getting snappish. They try to analyze the picture. Then Ashton starts to analyze TD, tells him that he never knew the stuff TD told Lucas about how his mom’s death affected him. “No big deal. We don’t have to hug or anything, do we?” I like TD more and more. He has some depth without being emo or whiny, and keeps himself to himself without being an asshole. Most of the time.

They find the place in the second picture and interview a grandma-aged woman. Peter was the boy who disappeared from there. Poor Grandma. The grief quotient in this episode is getting high. We see the little toy soldiers, and then Grandma says losing her kids is worse than dying. Hmm, that’s just what Monosyllabic Dad said a while ago. Little Peter was best friends with MD, by the way.

Monosyllabic Dad is no longer monosyllabic, but he’s talking to the lake. Oookay.

The Brothers Grimm try to work this out. Everything’s tied to MD. Did MD kill little Peter? What is he being punished for?

Lake house. MD is out in the boat. The Brothers Grimm run out on the dock, shouting at him. MD ignores them. His boat is struck by an enormous force and flies up in the air in a badly-edited shot that must have saved them a fortune in special effects and stunt costs.

Commercials.

Sheriff’s office. Andy Griffith is displeased that Fred is on a first-name basis with TD. Lucas freaks out and starts grabbing at TD, who for once acts like a human and tries to comfort him. Fred takes him home, and TD has the freaked-out face.

Andy calls them on their bullshit – he’s finally checked them out. And he’s very, very angry. I’m impressed. He tells them to hit the road, Jack, and dontcha come back no more. What did I tell you? TD is so lousy at playing official. I think they’ve been caught by the cops in every ep so far.

Nighttime. Lucas is drawing dark circles. Fred tells him to go to sleep. The picture is very dark. Like my TV screen.

Brothers Grimm turning back. Oh, like they were really leaving.

Fred is taking a bath. Of course! So we can see her half-naked.

Grimmmobile. Ashton is trying to understand what crack TD’s smoking, since they’re likely heading back to handcuffs. TD says he wants to make sure Lucas is okay. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” Ashton says, and now I hate him instead. These guys just take turns wearing the Insensitive Hat, don’t they? TD tells him to shut up. Ah, brotherly love.

FredBath. Yep, half-naked scene. Sorry, boys, barely a shot of the derriere. Ew, lake water starts mixing with the bathwater, and Fred doesn’t notice the temperature change or water quality, clearly having lost control of her sensory system. It attacks her, and we get excessive leg shots as she fights it. She screams, and Lucas pounds on the door.

The Brothers Grimm arrive, and Lucas lets them in. TD kicks down the door – quite impressive – and Ashton hauls a naked Fred out of the lakewater. Less impressive.

Commercials.

Fred’s Place. She can’t tell Ashton what it was. TD is nosing through her personal things, while Fred cries. She heard a voice, saying “Come play with me.” Fred’s basement has a scrapbook of the Explorers – read “Boy Scouts.” They think there’s a connection to Andy Griffith now. Lucas leads them out to a soft spot in the back yard. It’s now light, by the way, and Andy Griffith still hasn’t come home.

The Brothers Grimm dig up the soft spot, which hasn’t toughened at all in 35 years. Of course, that’s when Andy Griffith shows up and points a gun at them, so TD uses all that brilliance he acquired in football practice to tell Andy they’ve figured it out, Andy and MD killed little Peter and now there’s revenge by the lake spirit or whatever. “You can’t bury the truth,” TD says, though that’s clearly a lie.

In the house, Fred sees what’s going on, and sends Lucas to his room.

TD and Ashton say to set the spirit at rest, they have to salt and burn the body. Fred pleads with her dad to tell her the truth, and he can’t lie. I mean, lousy poker face, almost as bad as TD’s. Andy confesses that they used to bully Peter, holding his head underwater, but they held him under too long and he drowned. They let the body go into the lake and it sank.

Lucas is out at the lake, of course, and it takes him under. Ew, creepy! Dead Peter’s little head pokes up and glares at Andy, who freezes in horror. Then the Brothers Grimm dive in after Lucas.

Andy walks into the lake, begging Peter for forgiveness, asking him to take him instead. Dead Peter drags Andy down into the lake. The Brothers Grimm dive again, and Fred screams soundlessly until TD comes back up with Lucas.

Commercials. That was a predictable but well-done scene. Points for the soundless screaming and creepy dead-kid face. Quite good.

The Brothers Grimm get into the Grimmmobile. TD is having a rough time with it, it seems. Fred and Lucas deliver a lunch for them. Lucas speaks! Fred tells them they saved her son and that should be enough.

Aw, bonding moment. TD has taught Lucas a phrase: “Zeppelin rules!” Heh. Lucas, while cursed with a terrible haircut, is quite cute. Fred kisses TD goodbye, and TD is suddenly shy. The Brothers Grimm roll off, and I bet we haven’t seen the last of Fred and Son.

Next time: The Brothers Grimm exorcise demons on an airplane. Gotta do something to avoid the in-flight movie.

Comments

  1. Anonymous2:22 AM

    bahaha omg. jared padalecki doesnt look like ashton...god jared is way cuter...n wots with ur insulting the show all the way through your little story? lol n just to be a tool, ill point out that you obviously have not had your head held under the water by something you cant see or get away from... if you were panicking like that you wouldnt be thinking about holding your breath you would be trying to escape...drowning isnt wen u hav no air to breath, drowning is wen you breath water into your lungs...incase you werent sure, having water in ur lungs is a bad thing...causing you to die, just like the guy u refur to as 'Neanderthal'. so thats why it didnt take him 5 minutes to drown, he panicked so much that he breathed while under the water, meaning dead Neanderthal.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The best thing bout it is Dean is the funny guy while Sam takes thing so seriously. That's the final touch to make this show perfect. Truly an great show!!! Catch tis show Download Supernatural Freehere...

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