Return of the Living Snippets

As the hour slips on past midnight....

ME: *yawn* I have to get up stupid early. Tell me to go to bed.

MAN: Go to bed.

ME: Don't tell me what to do.

MAN: See, I knew that's what was going to happen.

ME: WHY is there a phone charger in the bathroom?
BOY: Uh...
ME: With a cord IN the sink, because that's a great idea!
BOY: Let me try a toaster next!
ME: Smartass.

MAN: Ow!
ME: (without looking up) Stop using the hand.
MAN: I forgot!
ME: Learn!

BOY: What did the doctor say?
ME: He said I should rest more.
BOY: Well, then you should rest more.
ME: Oh really? Which of my jobs should I quit?
BOY: All of them!
ME: Sure, no problem! Then you will support me?
BOY: ...

ME: Ian, please put the DVD away.
BOY: Yes mom.
ME: And see if you can't put it away where it belongs? In alphabetical order?
BOY: I do!
ME: That's funny, because I spent twenty minutes having to reorder the DVDs because somebody in this house managed to graduate high school without learning his ABC's.

BOY: Why didn't you like Doctor Sleep?
ME: I'll tell you after you look in the kitchen to see if I remembered to set the timer on the casserole.
BOY: I bet you didn't. I bet my college tuition that you - crap, you did.
ME: You owe me your college tuition.
BOY: Eh, you've already got it.
ME: I wish!

Upon returning from walking around the lake...

BOY: You're back!
ME: *looks over shoulder* What's wrong with it?
BOY: *side-eye*
ME: You are no fun at all.