Scarlet Letters

The not-so-private thoughts and rants of Elizabeth Donald, journalist/author and founder of the Literary Underworld.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Snippets: Catchup Edition with bonus HAMILTON!

For some reason, the Illness Edition(s) didn't run when I was sick. I was already on an antibiotic for another ailment when the Mysterious Fever of March struck. It went as high as 103, and stuck around for six days. Flu test was negative, other symptoms were all fever-related, including lower white cell count.

Then it went away, shortly after I stopped taking the medicine. All that remained was pain in my hand and finger joints and a weird, painful swelling at the back of my head, which later turned out to be an infected lymph node. Two days later, my lips suddenly swelled up like Mick Jagger and my arms and legs itched so terribly I had to smear myself with lidocaine gel just to be able to sleep. A few days of antihistimines made it go away.

Methinks I'm allergic to something. WebMD said I had dengue fever or meningitis. Never put your symptoms into WebMD. You're either dying of an obscure tropical virus or having a panic attack.

A few weeks later, and suddenly I have a lung infection reminiscent of Ebola. High fever, the usual delights, plus a weekend bonus of killing my voice. Thirteen days later, the voice is still in hiding, and I'm supposed to sing the great Triduum and Easter in a few days. Grrr argh.

How do I get this twice in five weeks? One of the extra-fun delights of being immune-compromised.

In the meantime... Snippets!

ME: I don't want to get you sick, so I may sleep on the couch.
MAN: ... Okay. I'm not going to argue with you.
ME: That would be a first.
MAN: You do what you have to.
ME: I hardly know what to do. You argue with me on everything. Everyone thinks I've got you like under my thumb, and they don't know how stubborn you are.
MAN: Well, you taught me everything I know.
ME: Did not. They don't know that you're the stubborn one in this relationship.
MAN: HA!
ME: Hey!
MAN: *grabs little jewelry holder off my dresser and works its opening like a puppet-mouth* You liiiiiie, woman.
ME: a) Don't call me woman, and b) that's NOT a puppet, you're gonna mangle it and then I'll have to throw it away!

******

MAN: Seriously, if you get worse, call me and I'll come home.
ME: So you can do what, stand over me and cluck your tongue at me?
MAN: *clucks tongue over me*
ME: Fine, if that'll make me better, come do it before you go to work. But I'm not calling you.
MAN: Seriously!
ME: No!
MAN: You will too!
ME: Will not! The only reason I'd call you was if I had to go to the ER, and since all they'll do is pat me on the head, tell me to call the doc in the morning and charge me nine thousand dollars, I'll just stay home to die, thank you.
MAN: ...
ME: Well, I thought it was funny.
MAN: If your temp gets over 104, call me.
ME: Well, I won't, because you told me to.
MAN: That's right, you WILL, and I'll show you who's boss.
ME: And who would that be?
MAN: ...Me.
ME: You wish.

******

Finally there were a few doctor visits. These are from today. Did I mention I love the Awesome Doc?

DOC: So what's going on? Never mind, I don't wanna hear complaints, don't give me yer troubles.
ME: See, that's exactly what a person likes to hear from their doctor.
DOC: What, compassion?
ME: Compassion, understanding, sensitivity...
DOC: *waves hand* Nah.
ME: *snerk*

ME: I have to come back in three months again, don't I?
DOC: Well, you give me blood results that make me happy, and I'll leave you alone.
ME: *sigh*

At one point we discussed the likelihood of me singing on Sunday, which led to talking about music.

DOC: I've got a nephew in the music business, he was on Broadway. Something called Hamilton, you ever heard of it?
ME: ... Yes, I've heard of Hamilton. So has, um, everyone.
DOC: Yeah, he was in that.
ME: You are totally pulling my leg.
DOC: I swear. His name is Chris Jackson, he played George Washington.
ME: Yeah, I've heard of George Washington, too.

So then I look up Chris Jackson, and holy Hera, he not only originated the role of George Washington in Hamilton and won a freaking Tony for it, but then I saw his photo. I texted it to Jim, and he replied, "Holy shit!"

Absolute spitting image of the Awesome Doc.


Before I left, Awesome Doc wrote something down for my reference.

ME: *examines card* Hey, this is almost readable. Are you sure you're a doctor?
DOC: Stahp it.
ME: *snerk*


******

Meanwhile, back at the farm...

TV CHARACTER: Sagittarius.
BOY: Pause. *I press pause* What is Sagittarius?
ME: You don't... know? Sagittarius is a sign of the zodiac. It originates from the constellations.
BOY: How do you...
ME: Know what you are? Birthdate. You are... *googles* Capricorn. Your element is Earth, your birthstone is garnet, and your animal is the sea-goat.
BOY: What are you?
ME: I'm a Pisces. You know what that means?
BOY: What?
ME: I'm a fishy character who works for scale.
BOY: *side-eye*
ME: Nothing?
BOY: That was terrible.
ME: I am unappreciated in my house.

******

ME: I am getting Facebook ads for divorce counseling. Anything you need to tell me?
MAN: ...
ME: Well, I thought it was funny...
MAN: I didn't hear the text. And I have nothing to say...
ME: That's not nearly witty enough for the blog.
MAN: Maybe you should be telling ME what is up, woman! Going to leave me for a mouse.
ME: ... a mouse?
MAN: Disney.
ME: I'm taking YOU with me, goofball.

******

Boy had an extensive amount of paperwork to fill out for his summer camp counselor job. I swear I filled out fewer forms when I was hired at Ye Olde Newspaper. It took two consecutive nights of listening to him swear at his computer and providing the occasional guidance. He finished approximately 12 minutes before the deadline.

ME: And have we learned a lesson about the dangers of procrastination?
BOY: Yes. Always procrastinate.

Both Jim and Noah (who was visiting for spring break) thought this was freaking hilarious.

******

MAN: Have you seen Becky yet?
ME: The Becky is here!
MAN: Tell her I say hello. Did you bring her the book?
ME: No, I ate the book. I had the munchies.
MAN: With ketchup? And they have ice cream there! Why eat a poor, defenseless book?
ME: Smartass.
MAN: You taught me well.
ME: I am not responsible for you. You came this way.
MAN: Bad influence.

******

MAN: Any news about the car?
ME: It's an oil leak.
MAN: No shit. What was leaking, woman?
ME: There's a leaking gasket in the... flux capacitor. I can't remember. It's covered by the warranty.
MAN: Glad it is covered unlike Doc Brown's car.
ME: Also don't call me woman.
MAN: Woman.
ME: Don't call me woman or I'm throwing our defective airbag at you.
MAN: Are they fixing the grenade?
ME: Yes. They have the new airbags in stock now.
MAN: Now car don't go boom!


It's been a long month. I promise to stop forgetting this blog exists... Because where else would you get your snark? Now I'm off to find a song sung by my doctor's nephew on iTunes, because that's just too cool.

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