Scarlet Letters

The not-so-private thoughts and rants of Elizabeth Donald, journalist/author and founder of the Literary Underworld.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Snippets: Christmas edition

Background: I have a tendency to overuse the word "suddenly." I seriously am going to have to do a find/replace on the next book to kill that word throughout the manuscript once I'm done with the rewrite.

ME: Suddenly! Again!
WRITER1: Have you considered the use of a thesaurus?
ME: Grrrr.
WRITER2: I have a Lionel Richie song running through my head now thank you!
ME: That's what you get. My pain is your pain.
WRITER2: And you wonder why I brought wine.

-----

Texting...

ME: Merry Christmas kiddo!
BOY: Merry Christmas mom
ME: We opened all your presents and are playing with your toys.
BOY: LOL

I no longer have him fooled, dangit.

ME: What do you call an elf who sings?
ME: A wrapper!
ME: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
ME: A rebel without a Claus!
ME: ...
ME: Nothing? Wow, tough room.
BOY: Yeah.
ME: I got lots more.
BOY: ...

BOY: *sends third attempt at texting game*
ME: I give up. This thing does not work.
BOY: Maybe it's ur phone, get it fixed
ME: *your
BOY: ...

ME: Chef Shoppe is a madhouse.
MAN: I bet.
ME: Ian is getting an IOU for Oreo popcorn. The line is insane. Clerk says yesterday popcorn line alone was to the door of the shop.
MAN: Shit.
ME: Repeating mantra: It is never too early.
MAN: Yes. I can do more to help.
ME: Noted and logged. :)
MAN: Just get ready for man-wrapped gifts.
ME: Just wrap like Stephen.*
MAN: Impossible. Stephen is an alien.

* My friend Stephen has worked the gift-wrap counter at Dillard's for many years. His wrapping puts all others to shame. :)
-----

Background: Jim is not a normal human. Normal humans set their phones to make a beep sound or maybe some brief sound effect from a movie when they get texts. Jim's phone plays the entire military march from the Godzilla movie series. For. Every. Text. (Except my texts: for that he gets Yoda: "Do. Or do not. There is no try." I do not know how to feel about this.) At this moment, Jim's phone was on the charger in the bedroom.

JIM'S PHONE: *Godzilla march*
JIM'S PHONE: *Godzilla march*
JIM'S PHONE: *Godzilla march*
ME: Would you please go see who is blowing up your phone and maybe turn off the ringer?
JIM: It's your mother.
ME: Is something wrong? Why is she texting?
JIM: Nothing's wrong. She's just letting me know that she and Pop were getting ready for bed and saw that Godzilla was on.
ME: I had two people tell me this morning that there was a Godzilla marathon going on.
JIM: I know. It was on Elrey.
ME: Which we don't get, so I didn't wake you for it, because I'm nice like that.
JIM: *sigh*
ME: And it proves that whenever anything Godzilla happens, everyone will tell you AND me. I understand half of that.
JIM: Because I am king of all things Godzilla.
ME: Fine, but what does it matter if there's a Godzilla movie on TV - WE HAVE ALL OF THEM! *gestures to giant rack of obscure Japanese cinema behind Jim's chair*
JIM: Not quite all!
ME: ALL! And so we don't have to wait for it to come around on TV: If I want to watch Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster I can just pull the DVD off -
JIM: Hedorah.
ME: What.
JIM: His name was Hedorah, and it was only in the Americanized releases that they called him the Smog Monster. I'd appreciate it if you're going to discuss my religion that you use the proper terms.
ME: ...
ME: I was making that up. I didn't think there was actually a Smog Monster.
JIM: *pulls the appropriate DVD*
ME: *facepalm* 
JIM'S PHONE: *Godzilla march*
JIM'S PHONE: *Godzilla march*
ME: KILL IT WITH FIRE.

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1 Comments:

Blogger jilly-bear said...

OMG! Yours too? Every time Bill gets a text it plays an entire song as well. And he sits there reading the text on the sleep screen instead of going to the text and reading it there - which would turn the darn song off! I told him twice to kill the text this weekend!

7:21 AM  

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