Boy: What's for dinner?
Me: Hambone split pea soup. It's been cooking all day. 
Boy: Hm.
Me: Mmm, doesn't that smell good?
Boy: It smells like soup.
Me: Oh nice. You're going to appreciate home cooking two years from now when you're eating cafeteria food all the time.
Boy: I'm going to have homecooked meals every Sunday when I come visit my mom.
Me: You better. And I'll make hambone split pea soup from scratch.
Boy: ...

Scene: Driving past the garden bridge where our wedding photos were taken.

Man: Ohhh...
Me: Are you tearing up?
Man: Yes.
Me: Again?
Man: Hush.
Me: Marshmallow.
Boy: Control your husband.
Me: Yeahright. Like I could.


Scene: Dropping Boy off for play rehearsal. As he gets out, a teenage girl disembarks from a black SUV. As she approaches the door, her (presumed) father calls out, "Have fun, sweetie pie!"

The girl whirls, mortified beyond words. "DAAAAAD! No!" Boy is properly holding the door for her, but with a gigantic smirk on his face. It took everything I had not to roll down the window and call out, "Break a leg, Snookums!"

As I drove past the SUV, the dad was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. I gave him a thumbs-up.


Me: I so wanted to call out, "Good luck, Snookums!"
Boy: Thank you for not.
Me: We parents just live to humiliate you.
Boy: And you do it very well.
Me: Well, we embarrass you so much just by merely existing that we really have to work hard to truly humiliate you. 


Boy: *suspicious sounds*
Me: Don't drink the milk!
Boy: Why not? 
Me: Because we need it for breakfast.
Boy: Tell Jim to get some after work.
Me: I do not tell him to do anything. I will suggest it.
Boy: *more suspicious sounds*
Me: What are you doing now?
Boy: Making a sandwich.*
Me: You've already had two dinners!
Boy: I'm a growing boy, I need sustenance!
Me: You've done quite enough of that, you can stop.
Boy: No.

* Sandwich = two tuna sandwiches and three slices of Italian bread, after an entire container of leftover Chinese. And still chewing.


Me: Tell me you you fed The Thing before you took him to rehearsal.
Man: He fed himself. He ate some stuff.
Me: Stuff.
Man: Yes. Stuff.
Me: Was it healthy stuff?
Man: Ummmm yeah
Me: Wood chips? Maybe kibble?
Man: He grabbed a big bowl of cereal. I told him there was other stuff to eat.
Me: Am I going to have to cook an actual meal when I get home at 9 p.m. on a Sunday, smartypants?
Man: He only wanted cereal.
Me: Darling love, of course he only wants cereal. He's a teenager. He's not going to volunteer for carrot sticks and fruit or God forbid grilled chicken.
Man: I told him there were sausage and biscuits. But said nah.
Me: Boy.


Man: Oh
Man: Ohhhhh
Man: Ohhhhhhhhh
Man: Now I can say oh all I want.
Me: Whaaaat.
Man: You have unlimited texts now.
Man: Ohhhhhhh
Me: So you feel free to bug me at all times with texts that only say Oh?
Man: Well now I didn't say that...