Molasses in Not-January

As my father told me, the hardest part of being a parent is not laughing in front of them when they do something hilariously boneheaded.

ME: [All Three Names]!*
BOY: What!
ME: What in heaven's name did you do to the molasses! It's all over the counter!
BOY: ...
ME: Tell the truth.
BOY: You know how you're always saying, "slow as molasses in January"?
ME: Yes.**
BOY: Well, I saw the jug of molasses, and I wondered how slow molasses is, so I turned it upside down and the cap was loose and -
ME: You were trying to see how slow molasses in January is?
BOY: *nodsnods*
ME: It's not January!
BOY: It's December, it's close enough!
ME: Go clean up the counter!

And then I went in the other room to laugh myself silly.

* Some things are universal. When Mom calls you with first, middle and last names, you're in trouble.
** As my mother told me, and her mother told her: "You're as slow as molasses in January!" Rinse, repeat.


  1. I predict a repeat of this in one month.

  2. I did plenty of things just like that.

  3. We didn't have molasses in the house, therefore I tried this same experiment with a jar of honey, in January, while it was snowing, by pouring the contents of the jar down the sliding glass windows, about 20 minutes before everyone was going to arrive for my birthday party, while I was wearing my party dress...

    I got to unwrap my presents at the party, and then they got put away in my parents' closet for a week.

  4. You should make him write 250 words on why Mid-December is a poor stand in for January in the midwest, citing historical temperature patterns and the progression of seasons.
    Then another hundred words on the proper precautions to be used while experimenting with viscous fluids with special reference to catch basins and lid tightening.


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