Happy Halloween!
The list grows every year, originally compiled from "Don't Do That, You Stupid Twit!" by Dr. Ralph Donald and the denizens of the Green Mile, with my thanks. I hope everyone is having a nicely creepy Halloween!
HOW TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE
If the house you are living in tells you to "GO AWAY," do it. Now.
If you're a virgin, stay that way.
If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do NOT go upstairs. Go out the front door, you idiot!
For God's sake, turn on the lights.
Never split up.
Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead. He's not.
Never get naked in front of a window.
Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, islands, lover's lanes, secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine.
Never pick up hitchhikers.
If a small town off the highway is deserted, it's probably for a very good reason.
If your speedometer suddenly starts turning backward, trade the car. Now.
Never dig up strange-looking objects in the woods.
Never bury pets or loved ones in old Native American burial grounds, because they aaaalways come back.... Muahahaha!
As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open doorways to Hell.
Find out what your parents were up to when they were younger. You never know if they burned up a serial killer, had a mysterious "other child," are not your real parents, or opened up a doorway to Hell.
Ask yourself seriously, "Do I really want to float?"
If there is a knock on the door in the middle of the night, but no one appears at the peephole, do NOT open the door and step outside to see who's there.
Never turn your back to a door or press your ear against the door to hear what's going on in there.
Don't assume it's your naked boyfriend/girlfriend under the sheet.
Never mess with DNA. For any reason.
No sex in graveyards.
Keep your car filled with gas, tuned up, and for God's sake keep your keys with you!
On Halloween, there is no such thing as "coincidence."
Never stay overnight in the old house at the end of town that's supposed to be haunted. Let them think you're chicken. Even if the prize is one million dollars. It's not worth it.
Pig's blood does not make for a good practical joke.
The guy conducting an "insomnia study" in the spookiest old mansion in town that no one will approach after dark is not telling you the truth.
Watch out for the guy with an accent purchasing the abbey next door who works the night shift.
If you're alone in the house and something calls out your name, leave immediately through the nearest exit. If there is no exit, make one.
When you've shot the monster six times to no effect, don't bother throwing the gun at it. It will do you no good.
Do not answer distress calls from deserted planets that never see daylight.
Don't touch the TV that calls your name.
When the power goes out, do not go into the basement armed only with a candle to see if the fuse is out.
Reasons to consider moving out of that great house that was such a bargain: bleeding walls, disembodied voices, too many flies, a room in the basement painted red that wasn't on the blueprints, phone service that seems to come and go, windows that look like eyes, next-door neighbors chanting in the middle of the night, finding out horrible murders were committed in the house, secret passages behind the bookcases, all the women loooove to do housework.
In fact, when these things start happening, just set fire to the house. It always ends that way anyway and you'll save time.
There is no good reason why anyone's eyes should glow red.
The crank caller breathing heavily into the phone is already in your house.
Children speaking in deep, scary voices should be listened to.
There IS a boogeyman.
If a kid says, "I see dead people," believe him.
If you just ripped your phone out of the wall and it rings anyway, don't answer it!
Clothing to avoid: capes, high heels, dangling earrings, ancient amulets you don't understand.
Never break quarantine.
People wearing hockey masks, ski masks or any Halloween costume that covers the face should be avoided.
Don't back up. Look where you're going.
The crazy old guy everybody laughs at knows what he's talking about.
Leprechauns really don't want to grant you three wishes.
The deal with the devil isn't worth it and the monkey's paw is not your friend.
Elevators going up and down by themselves have something wrong with them that a maintenance man can't fix.
Do not attempt to kill your spouse for her inheritance/life insurance/to marry your secretary. You will not get the results you seek.
The killer is one of your friends.
Reasons you are probably toast: you're a mayor, sheriff, high school principal or some other person of authority who doesn't believe in the monster; a lawyer, politician, CEO of a polluting corporation or similar sleazeball; a cop, doctor or similar adult trying to help the kids; you are obsessed with sex and/or drugs; your breasts are bigger than your brain; your name does not appear among the first three in the credits.
Never open the locked door.
Don't go in the water.
Pay attention to dogs, cats, horses and other more intelligent creatures. If they're nervous, scram.
When using a matter transporter, triple-check the pod for flies.
Don't mess with the gypsies.
Never repeat any names while staring into the bathroom mirror.
If the price of that really neat knickknack includes "a favor," you don't want it.
Never take anything from a clown in a sewer.
Don't pick in the miserable geek or the ugly, unpopular girl. You'll get yours.
Skip the shortcut.
You won't be right back.
The aliens are not friendly.
And finally....
No, it's not your imagination.
HOW TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE
If the house you are living in tells you to "GO AWAY," do it. Now.
If you're a virgin, stay that way.
If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do NOT go upstairs. Go out the front door, you idiot!
For God's sake, turn on the lights.
Never split up.
Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead. He's not.
Never get naked in front of a window.
Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, islands, lover's lanes, secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine.
Never pick up hitchhikers.
If a small town off the highway is deserted, it's probably for a very good reason.
If your speedometer suddenly starts turning backward, trade the car. Now.
Never dig up strange-looking objects in the woods.
Never bury pets or loved ones in old Native American burial grounds, because they aaaalways come back.... Muahahaha!
As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open doorways to Hell.
Find out what your parents were up to when they were younger. You never know if they burned up a serial killer, had a mysterious "other child," are not your real parents, or opened up a doorway to Hell.
Ask yourself seriously, "Do I really want to float?"
If there is a knock on the door in the middle of the night, but no one appears at the peephole, do NOT open the door and step outside to see who's there.
Never turn your back to a door or press your ear against the door to hear what's going on in there.
Don't assume it's your naked boyfriend/girlfriend under the sheet.
Never mess with DNA. For any reason.
No sex in graveyards.
Keep your car filled with gas, tuned up, and for God's sake keep your keys with you!
On Halloween, there is no such thing as "coincidence."
Never stay overnight in the old house at the end of town that's supposed to be haunted. Let them think you're chicken. Even if the prize is one million dollars. It's not worth it.
Pig's blood does not make for a good practical joke.
The guy conducting an "insomnia study" in the spookiest old mansion in town that no one will approach after dark is not telling you the truth.
Watch out for the guy with an accent purchasing the abbey next door who works the night shift.
If you're alone in the house and something calls out your name, leave immediately through the nearest exit. If there is no exit, make one.
When you've shot the monster six times to no effect, don't bother throwing the gun at it. It will do you no good.
Do not answer distress calls from deserted planets that never see daylight.
Don't touch the TV that calls your name.
When the power goes out, do not go into the basement armed only with a candle to see if the fuse is out.
Reasons to consider moving out of that great house that was such a bargain: bleeding walls, disembodied voices, too many flies, a room in the basement painted red that wasn't on the blueprints, phone service that seems to come and go, windows that look like eyes, next-door neighbors chanting in the middle of the night, finding out horrible murders were committed in the house, secret passages behind the bookcases, all the women loooove to do housework.
In fact, when these things start happening, just set fire to the house. It always ends that way anyway and you'll save time.
There is no good reason why anyone's eyes should glow red.
The crank caller breathing heavily into the phone is already in your house.
Children speaking in deep, scary voices should be listened to.
There IS a boogeyman.
If a kid says, "I see dead people," believe him.
If you just ripped your phone out of the wall and it rings anyway, don't answer it!
Clothing to avoid: capes, high heels, dangling earrings, ancient amulets you don't understand.
Never break quarantine.
People wearing hockey masks, ski masks or any Halloween costume that covers the face should be avoided.
Don't back up. Look where you're going.
The crazy old guy everybody laughs at knows what he's talking about.
Leprechauns really don't want to grant you three wishes.
The deal with the devil isn't worth it and the monkey's paw is not your friend.
Elevators going up and down by themselves have something wrong with them that a maintenance man can't fix.
Do not attempt to kill your spouse for her inheritance/life insurance/to marry your secretary. You will not get the results you seek.
The killer is one of your friends.
Reasons you are probably toast: you're a mayor, sheriff, high school principal or some other person of authority who doesn't believe in the monster; a lawyer, politician, CEO of a polluting corporation or similar sleazeball; a cop, doctor or similar adult trying to help the kids; you are obsessed with sex and/or drugs; your breasts are bigger than your brain; your name does not appear among the first three in the credits.
Never open the locked door.
Don't go in the water.
Pay attention to dogs, cats, horses and other more intelligent creatures. If they're nervous, scram.
When using a matter transporter, triple-check the pod for flies.
Don't mess with the gypsies.
Never repeat any names while staring into the bathroom mirror.
If the price of that really neat knickknack includes "a favor," you don't want it.
Never take anything from a clown in a sewer.
Don't pick in the miserable geek or the ugly, unpopular girl. You'll get yours.
Skip the shortcut.
You won't be right back.
The aliens are not friendly.
And finally....
No, it's not your imagination.
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