Snippets: New Year edition
PHOTOG: I have the Spice Girls running through my head. Help.
ME: You can always play "It's a Small World." That'll erase it.
PHOTOG: Noooo. Never mind. Change of topic.
ME: I got stuck in that ride for 47 minutes. In the refrain. It caused psychological damage.
PHOTOG: I bet.
ME: I could sing it for -
PHOTOG: No!
----
ME: Would you pull some pork chops out of the freezer before you go to work?
MAN: Ohhh.
ME: ? Why does this merit an oh?
MAN: Oh
ME: What's with the ohs?
MAN: I'm in an oh mood. Oh oh oh.
ME: Make sense.
MAN: never. don't wanna. oh.
ME: *confused emoji*
MAN: *detective emoji*
ME: Goofball.
----
ME: Great. That bank robbery is two blocks from my house. I should tell Jim to lock the doors.
EDITOR: Tell him to pop out there and take a picture.
ME: He's home with the stomach flu. He could vomit on the robbers.
EDITOR: He can bring a bucket.
REPORTER: That is the most editor-like response ever.
---
ME: Good news. A boneless pork chop is only 3 points, Shake n Bake adds only one extra point. Om nom nom, viva la porn chops.
MAN: Porn chops? New website?
ME: Autocorrect strikes again.
MAN: Porn chops. Has a nice ring to it.
ME: *eyeroll emoji*
MAN: Ragggr.
---
ME: I need to put in an order. Anything you need?
MAN: A pair of house slippers for men.
ME: What?? You will actually stop wearing sneakers in the house? No more salt tracked all over the hardwood floor? No more nasty dirt ground into the bath mat that you never hang up? Gasp!
MAN: yes
ME: I'm in shock. I may drive off the road.
MAN: ...
ME: What size are your weird feet again?
MAN: 12. Black in color.
ME: Pink it is. Bunny slippers!
MAN: I'm not Ralphie from A Christmas Story.
ME: That is exactly the image that came to my mind.
MAN: *sigh*
ME: Hey, you married me.
----
Star Trek anthem plays.
BOY: Speaking of space, how's NASA doing?
ME: Random.
BOY: You know all the news stuff. What's NASA doing?
ME: Science.
BOY: I figured that. I didn't expect them to go into theater and dance.
----
Amid some of the usual abuse from my coworkers on being old enough to be their mother...
ME: 'I get no respect, no respect.'
THEM: *blank looks*
ME: Oh god, none of you are old enough to know what I'm quoting.
REPORTER: The Godfather?
ME: *facepalm*
ME: You can always play "It's a Small World." That'll erase it.
PHOTOG: Noooo. Never mind. Change of topic.
ME: I got stuck in that ride for 47 minutes. In the refrain. It caused psychological damage.
PHOTOG: I bet.
ME: I could sing it for -
PHOTOG: No!
----
ME: Would you pull some pork chops out of the freezer before you go to work?
MAN: Ohhh.
ME: ? Why does this merit an oh?
MAN: Oh
ME: What's with the ohs?
MAN: I'm in an oh mood. Oh oh oh.
ME: Make sense.
MAN: never. don't wanna. oh.
ME: *confused emoji*
MAN: *detective emoji*
ME: Goofball.
----
ME: Great. That bank robbery is two blocks from my house. I should tell Jim to lock the doors.
EDITOR: Tell him to pop out there and take a picture.
ME: He's home with the stomach flu. He could vomit on the robbers.
EDITOR: He can bring a bucket.
REPORTER: That is the most editor-like response ever.
---
ME: Good news. A boneless pork chop is only 3 points, Shake n Bake adds only one extra point. Om nom nom, viva la porn chops.
MAN: Porn chops? New website?
ME: Autocorrect strikes again.
MAN: Porn chops. Has a nice ring to it.
ME: *eyeroll emoji*
MAN: Ragggr.
---
ME: I need to put in an order. Anything you need?
MAN: A pair of house slippers for men.
ME: What?? You will actually stop wearing sneakers in the house? No more salt tracked all over the hardwood floor? No more nasty dirt ground into the bath mat that you never hang up? Gasp!
MAN: yes
ME: I'm in shock. I may drive off the road.
MAN: ...
ME: What size are your weird feet again?
MAN: 12. Black in color.
ME: Pink it is. Bunny slippers!
MAN: I'm not Ralphie from A Christmas Story.
ME: That is exactly the image that came to my mind.
MAN: *sigh*
ME: Hey, you married me.
----
Star Trek anthem plays.
BOY: Speaking of space, how's NASA doing?
ME: Random.
BOY: You know all the news stuff. What's NASA doing?
ME: Science.
BOY: I figured that. I didn't expect them to go into theater and dance.
----
Amid some of the usual abuse from my coworkers on being old enough to be their mother...
ME: 'I get no respect, no respect.'
THEM: *blank looks*
ME: Oh god, none of you are old enough to know what I'm quoting.
REPORTER: The Godfather?
ME: *facepalm*
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