Scarlet Letters

Preparing to leave Dairy Queen, Boy catches a glimpse of hockey on the TVs they never turn off. BOY: [terrible Russian accent] Is Vladimir Tarasenko da hockey player! ME: God, that's awful. BOY: Is Russian! ME: You're about as Russian as Boris Badanov. BOY: Who? ME: Oh God. BOY: *shrugs* ME: Moose undt Squirrel! [bullwinkle] "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!" BOY: I have no idea what you're talking about. ME: Oh my God I'm so old. And you are deprived. This naturally meant we had to go look up some clips, searching terms like "Boris and Natasha," "Rocky and Bullwinkle rabbit out of my hat," and "Rocky and Bullwinkle bad puns." So he did his own searching, and discovered the eminently forgettable 2000 film. Which he thought looked quite amusing, and now he wants to watch it. ME: But you couldn't possibly get the gags since you didn't watch the show! BOY: Then we'll just have to find the...

My mother has a kaffir lime tree. On occasion, she sends me its dried leaves for recipes. A new batch recently arrived and we were putting away groceries along with stuff that had piled up in the living room. ME: Here, put away my kaffir leaves. MAN: You mean your pot? ME: It is not pot. MAN: It's your pot. ME: My mother would not send me pot. MAN: ... ME: My mother would probably not send me pot. MAN: She does live in California. He never makes these jokes about the vanilla bean paste or Mennonite brown sugar. ---- MAN: I'm about to do laundry. Do you have any other clothes lying around somewhere? ME: Why would I do that? Do you believe I am the sort to simply leave my clothes strewn everywhere like some kind of strumpet?* MAN: ... MAN: ... ME: *narrows gaze* Answer correctly. MAN: ... MAN: ...you mean like, um, some kind of trombone, or... ME: Do NOT try to save yourself with a lame joke, especially when you haven't come up with one by the time you s...

For the purposes of this snippet, you need to know that I have been making fresh bread with olive oil. Yum. For the most recent loaf, I ran out of my usual butter-infused extra virgin and used instead a blend infused with Tuscan herbs. It added an Italian flavor to the loaf. Boy has opined that it would be best served with an oil dipping sauce rather than butter. Thus, these texts. BOY: Get some olive oil for the bread. ME: You like the Tuscan? BOY: With some olive oil. BOY: And you want to make another loaf. ME: I guess you like it. Is there any left? BOY: Very little. ME: So... crumbs then. BOY: Nope, a couple slices, but get some olive oil. ME: Olive to serve. BOY: Get some milk too. ME: A terrific pun like that and I get nothing? BOY: Yep. ME: If the boy thinks he's getting the jumbo bag of Oreo-flavored popcorn from Chef Shoppe for his birthday, he is high. MAN: Do I want to know? ME: That little bag you're holding is $11.99. MAN: How much is the jumbo? ...

They say you'll probably spend your whole year mostly doing what you do on New Year's Day. If so, I'm going to spend 2017 snuggled with my family, napping, cooking experimental dishes, drinking tasty-yet-cheap wine, and ignoring the internet for the most part. That is just fine by me. As I write this, Boy has come home from work, rested, and is now going for a jog at dusk because he is a space alien. (Actually, because he had to miss the Resolution Run this morning in order to work at McDonald's, and I think he regrets it.) Man is running to the store for a few ingredients I somehow forgot, which boggles the mind considering how full the fridge is. We just finished watching Spotlight,  which Jim had not seen despite the two (2) formal events I've hosted featuring it. More movies pending as the lasagna bakes! And I am contemplating my year. I do an extensive list of New Year's Resolutions, because I don't see them as flighty wishes for the new year; I l...