Snippets

MAN: *excitedly hands me box of new electronic toy*
ME: Yes dear. I will be setting it up shortly.
MAN: *crestfallen* Shortly? Not now?
ME: I am reading the directions.
MAN: *puzzled look*
ME: Yes, reading the directions. That's what we grownups do with complicated new devices. We read through the directions before we open the box.
MAN: Pish tosh.
ME: Go sit till I need you to help me with the cords.
MAN: It may not take the same cables as the old one -
ME: That's why I'm reading the directions. Shush.

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Watching Alien 3... (quasi-spoilerrific)

First two minutes.
BOY: What the [bleep]! They killed them?

(We're all with you, kiddo.)

Halfway through.
BOY: Wait, how you gonna get out of this one, Ripley?

Ending.
BOY: What! There's another movie to get through!

----

ME: Do you need a ride home tonight?
BOY: Nah, I got a ride. We're going to stay for a while and help the girls' volleyball team.
ME: *sporfle* How exactly are you going to "help" the girls' volleyball team?
BOY: Shagging.
ME: *choke* I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean what it meant when I went to college.
BOY: Chasing the volleyballs that get knocked out of the court. Basically it's chasing balls.
ME: *dying* Okay.... you have fun with that.

I am twelve.

----

Scene: In the newsroom. I have just finished writing a story about the West Nile virus. Joe is my editor.

ME: *clicks send* Joe, you've got West Nile!
NEWSROOM: *snickers*
ME: Um. I will rephrase that later.
JOE: (dryly) Thanks.

Later I was accused of violating HIPAA laws. Smartasses.

-----

Scene: Jim had brought down a box of my books for an inventory check, and neglected to put them back in the warehouse portion of my office. Instead, he was resting his feet on them from his chair as he did his readings for his feminist theory class.

ME: Excuse me.
JIM: Yes?
ME: Those are my finely-crafted works of art, not your ottoman.
JIM: *glances at feet* This could be construed as a metaphor for male oppression.
ME: Yes.
JIM: I am holding down your art.
ME: My art bites you.
JIM: Usually. Actually, it's your Red Pen of Death that bites me.
ME: You deserve the Red Pen of Death. Get your feet offa my books.


"Wait, isn't this blog on hiatus?" 
"Yeah, but these were too much fun to hold. Shaddup."