Snippets

I was playing around on Bed Bath and Beyond's website, because sometimes I get to nesting and I can't help myself. Also, we still have a bit of wedding gift card left to spend.

ME: We have been married for 574 days. So sayeth this website.
JIM: Is that all?
ME: ... It feels longer, is that what you're saying?
JIM: No... You can't track perfection, that's what I'm saying.
ME: Nice try, Sparky. You rolled a two on your saving throw.

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BOY: Mom! I'm trying to watch Daredevil and Netflix won't let me.
ME: The bill is paid. Why not?
BOY: It says it exceeds the maturity level.
ME: We don't have a maturity restriction... (opens site) Oh. It does on your profile. "Teen and below."
BOY: Fix it please?
ME: Hmmm. The next level is "all content." That means you'd have access to everything on Netflix. Your poor innocent eyes.
BOY: *sigh* I'm trying to watch superheroes!
ME: Okay, I'll reset it, but you'd best behave yourself.
BOY: *mutters as he leaves my office* Ya nasty...

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JIM: *hugs me* I love my wife.

ME: Really? What does that mean for me, then?

JIM: *rolls eyes* Woman! You are my wife.

ME: Oh yeah, I forgot. *grin* You're so fun to torment.

JIM: Don't torment me! Why do you torment me?

ME: You married me.

JIM: That doesn't mean you have to torment me!

ME: Did you look up the definition?

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At Walmart, Boy spies a Captain America bicycle helmet.

BOY: Yes! *grabs*

ME: For ages 6 to 10.

BOY: It'll fit!

He puts it on. It does not fit.

ME: *snicker*

BOY: Whyyyy don't they make this stuff in adult sizes!

ME: Because when you grow up you are supposed to give up all fun and be boring.

BOY: You know if we set up a booth at con with these things we would sell them like crazy.

ME: You're probably right. Because con people are creative and fun.

BOY: *addresses Walmart ceiling* Make this in adult sizes!

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ME: Did you make coffee?
MAN: Not yet. 
ME: The Bible requires that the man of the house makes the coffee. It says so in the Book of Hebrews.
MAN: ...
ME: HE-brews.
MAN: Blucky.
ME: I am totally unappreciated in this house.
MAN: That. is. awful.
ME: Just the other day, Ian and I were watching Angel and Lilah released a tarantula to crawl across her keyboard - don't ask, it was a thing - and Ian asked, 'What is she doing with that spider??' And I replied, 'It's a web designer.'
MAN: ...
ME: See? Just like Ian! I got nothing. You all need a sense of humor. Rent one!
MAN: I have a sense of humor. When something's funny.
ME: Other people think I'm hilarious.