Snippets

ME: I cannot believe he ate all those cookies.
MAN: What?
ME: There are several chocolate chip cookies missing this morning.
MAN: Well, I had a few.
ME: James!*
MAN: They were there! I thought they were for the family!
ME: They were not for you!
MAN: Who were they for?
ME: The Relay team! We have a meeting! I bake for meetings!
MAN: There wasn't a note or anything! You know, the cookies were just sitting out there looking all delicious, and there was no note or force field or magic spell protecting them so...
ME: That's what I forgot. Next time I need to cast a magic spell over my cookies. How many did you eat?
MAN: Four.
ME: James! That means Ian didn't eat any! You have less self-control than a teenage boy!
MAN: You should've cast a spell.


SCENE: Boy has just completed his nightly shower, complete with musical renditions from the late 80s.
ME: One of these days I'm going to record you singing in the shower.
BOY: Okay.
ME: And put it on the internet.
BOY: And I'll get likes because I'm awesome.
ME: *sporfle* Hurry up, I wanna watch Buffy.


BOY: Wow, Riley's huge! He's a giant!
ME: That's just because he's standing next to Buffy. She's little.
BOY: Yeah, she's teeny, but he's enormous.
ME: *googles* The actor is Marc Blucas, and he's six foot two.
BOY: ... I'm an inch taller than he is.
ME: Uh huh. Of course, that doesn't mean he's not enormous.


ME: *creaky step*
MAN: Where are you going?
ME: Up to my office.
MAN: Noooo.
ME: Oooookay. Do you require some husband maintenance?
MAN: Yes. It's another dimension up there.
ME: It is not.
MAN: It is too. You'll go up there and never come back.
ME: Dear, there's no bathroom in my office. I have to come down. Besides, coffee.
MAN: You'll disappear and never be seen again!
ME: Oh brother...



* His real name is Jimmy. It's on his birth certificate as Jimmy. It's not short for anything. So naturally, when he annoys me, I call him James.